well, i went to the appointment to see the GP today - feel like thats the only good that happened (actually making myself go)
i thought i would do well this time, since i have been reading up about evreything and trying to participate here a little at psychcentral..
but i feel like i fubared this one too (the appointment), i had wrote some notes to help me remember what to say but it didnt help, i became so nervous and anxious that i had trouble speaking at all, much less talking about my ideas and treatment, i feel as if when i go to any appointment i change completely and im not the person who needs the attention/treatment
how can they treat me if i change into this person that tries to be happy and fun/funny when i go to the appointments?
how are they supposed to help me if i cant even get out what i need to get out?
why does my personality change so much when im confronted with these situations..? im afraid i'll never feel any relief if this continues and im scared that im going to just hurt for the rest of my life miserably
what am i supposed to do? i can't control it...

he asked me the normal questions and we ended up getting cymbalta and prilosec with refill of clonazepam, i tried to get the clonazepam switched to diazapam but i failed.
i tried to get ritalin added because i feel like i would really benefit from it but he didnt like that idea and said that its too short acting and felt that cymbalta would do a better job, i did mention cymbalta first


i feel like i lock up when i get in the office, when i get home i feel so horrible because i just feel like i dissociate so much that im incapable of receiving any help thats going to actually help, i feel ashamed and so guilty like i subconsciously dont want help but i keep pushing myself extremely hard to go to these appointments to try to get help

why does this happen to me? why is this happening to me? why cant i just be myself instead of hiding behind so many emotional curtains?

i feel like its the end of the world right now...

they took my blood to test tsh levels again, i guess thats one thing i cant fubar, i hope that they are normal but if they arent then atleast i can know that the problem can be treated..

im tired of being tired...
im tired of being scared...
im tired of hiding myself...
i dont want to hide anymore, i just want to be happy