omg I was so terrified but I felt very brave a defiant because I knew I had an out I was not going back.

as we went upstairs to her office I asked her if I could get my blanket .she said absolutely. she keeps it in her closet. when we got in her room she asked if I wanted to wrap up in it . o said I just didn't want to forget it .she said oh.

I asked her if she had read the email I had sent .she said that she had she asked if this was what I wanted to talk about
I said yes. so she got it and had actually made 2 copies and handed one to me saying why don't we look at this together. I was so surprised knowing how against e-mail she was that she read it . so she asked how should we start thing .I said I don't know how about saying goodbye (kind of still scared) she said ummm no, we have been working together for I think 4 years and you have for the first time told me that you were sexually abused and I don't want you to run and hide from this. it would be the worst thing I could do. I told her that I understand this but that it isn't working . she argued that in fact it was but that I just can see it right now. she said that it may have taken me 4 years to tell her about the sexual abuse and that just a few weeks ago I had told her about the mother burning my fingers. she asked me to look at her and I did and she actually had tears in her eyes.not really like rolling down her face tears but hugely watery eyes. now either she has allergies or she was actually showing some emotion . as I looked at her she said you need to know that what happened to you is beyond comprehensible . how your mother could hurt you like that and that despicable person could sexually abuse you like that. you need to know that I do not now, or ever will see you as disgusting. I see you as strong, amazing and absolutely perfect the way you are.. she said she was sorry that she did not do more at the time to help me feel more comforted, she should have done better. I venomly told her I did not want her to comfort me . and she change what she said to help me feel that I would be able to get through this .that it was normal the reaction I had and that she could have done a better job at letting me know it will be ok and that I am not disgusting at all. and that those feelings do get better. (not convinced) she said the she wishes she could promise me that it would be all roses and chocolate but that isn't true .that things could get a lot worse before they get better .

I asked again about what if I cant talk. she brought up the other ways of communicating again like the coloring ,drawing reading ,playing games . I think I need to figure out my resistance to this. if I could she would work with me that way . this is one of the things she needs to meet me on some middle ground. to help me feel ok about communicating in this way instead of me feeling she is angry at me for not talking . she said she is never angry at me and that I need to be able to believe her when she tells me this. I told her that that was even harder for me to do. she agreed but didn't give me a solution. she did say that sometimes I come across as so strong that she forgets about how much pain I can be in that kind of confused me. I don't see my self as strong at all.

she tried to explain what is happening right now. she said that the horrendous sexual abuse( how does she know how horrendous it was ?I never told her) I suffered as a child over such a period of time has left me with all these horrible feelings .when all these memories are brought up and so are these feelings .she thinks that I cant handle them and that it is easier right now to put them on other people . like id I feel disgusting I feel it is my T that thinks im disgusting. it feels so darn real I find it hard to hear her say it isn't coming from her that it is coming from me. I have issues with this. I feel she did stuff to foster this reaction. like not helping me to open up about it and ending the session by saying that if I want to talk about something I need to bring it up. BU I think she figured something out. she wants to work on some worksheets next week about trauma and emotions. but I needed to remind her and bring it up. not again .I asked her what if I forget .she said your right it is my job to remember not yours and that she would right a note to remember to copy them and put them out for me. so maybe she gets it .

in the end she was so so supportive and empathetic about the little bit I told her .she kept asking me to look at her so she could make sure I was hearing what she was saying about me not being disgusting and that together I will get through this and that it will get better she said other things like pointing out how far I have come and trying to point out that maybe I do trust her and that I said what I said to her because at that point I ay have been ready to talk about it. but she understands also that there are times that I am not ready to talk about it .she also reminded me with all that I have endured I do have a good life .I told he that I can see that but that I don't always feel that .she explained because I seem to live on two different plains. the life I had now and the life I had then and that the two do not coincide and that keeps me from being able to experience the happiness of the life I have .it is her job to be able to help me integrate them over time

I think that we still have some stuff to talk about but I think she genuinely wants to help me .and today tried to meet me half way

she asked me some simple questions about the CSA but really seemed understanding about it .and dare I say empathetic