yeah, i dont feel any control when i leave my small circle around my computer feel like im tied to a million and one obligations all at once, a bunch of responsibilities popping up out of no where.. etc etc, its stressful and i just try to turn my brain off and look at the trees pass by until im finally there, then sitting in the waiting room i just fidget until im called where the rest of what i thought i had control over is left and i turn into an automaton..?
on my papers he has panic disorder WithOut agoraphobia.. still... i feel like he doesnt know what i am experiencing / needing, plus he seems more nervous than i do (shaking leg for ex) im already hypervigilent which he kind of makes it worse for some reason.. maybe i need to switch to a female dr because im not able to work with male figures..?

yeah by dissociate i mean just tuning into something completely different, ignoring all the fear and pressure that is there, its not very often i achieve true peace in my mind but i try by pretending to be happy and making qwerky quick jokes

i also feel that i dont want to hurt his feelings and make him think that i think he is a bad dr, i just dont know if we see eye to eye.. he has continue to refill the clonazapam even though i was taking a little more than i should have at one time (needing more and more to achieve the same effect)

i seem to do better with females, maybe im less threatened by them and tend to see female as loving and nurturing rather than a brute male with stern priorities ?

anywho, if the roads arent to bad tomorow ill be getting the Rx i just hope cymbalta doesnt hurt me in some way... i really am uncomfortable with pills, i used to be scared of them.. until i became scared of not having them, because of the panic and whatnot.. even now i wont even take a tylenol for a headache hehe... but im taking zyprexa on the other hand, i feel like im betraying myself sometimes :/