rt

I think what you describe is normal... for depression. My loss of being able to enjoy anything was actually painfull, because I would try to get myself into the swing of things by doing something, like a movie... then couldn't enjoy it, and came home miserable for days afterward because it just reminded me of how terrible I felt and how it effects all aspects of my life.

It is getting better though.

I would like to see you work as hard as you can toward opening up to the therapist. As others have said, he can only help if you let him and tell him everything that is going on. I don't think you need to worry about going into the hospital, as others have said that is usually only forced if you are in real danger to yourself.

The thing to consider though, is if a hospital, or whatever the therapist might suggest, is the best treatment for you, and you shy away from it because you are afraid people will find out, then you will just keep feeling worse because you are not doing the thing or things that will help you. As you get worse, people eventually will find out, or figure it out on their own.

Don't worry about them. Getting treatment now will be much more helpful and effective than waiting until you don't have any choices left. Why suffer that pain if there is something you can do to feel better now?

As for things like "accidentally" falling down the stairs... I think a lot of people can relate to the need for people to "prove" themselves to us when we have depression. The problem is, while wanting them to prove themselves, we also design our thoughts so that nothing they ever do satifies the "proof". Instead of Q.E.D. you end up with Q.E.Huh? and wind up just setting more "tests" that are harder and harder to pass.

From your past posts it sounds like you have some real issues with your father. But with depression that may not even be the point, with regard to "proof". I isolated myself from people I loved and trusted.. being short with them, not necessarily snippy, but sending out a definite vibe that I was not well and wanted to be left alone. Then got mad when no one called. If anyone did call, instead of giving them an "A+" I either made them feel like they shouldn't have called, so that they wouldn't call again (and would therefore fail the test) or I would accept their call and then afterward just be angry at them that they hadn't called sooner. They still "failed" because they missed some "deadline" that I established after the fact.

It is impossible for anyone to "prove" themselves when we keep changing the rules. Whether or not there are valid reasons, the real problem stems from within ourselves, and the "proof" we are seeking has to eventually come from that same spot inside ourselves, from our own heart and mind. We have to discover what is empty in there that we are trying to "force" other people to fill, and why we need to not only see everything negatively, but also propogate the negativity by building a wall around that hole and then getting mad that people can't scale it, even if they try. No points for effort there.

Sorry, this is more about me than about you... but I hope you can find some of it helpful while on your own path toward resoving this and feeling better.

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--http://www.idexter.com