I FEEL AS THOUGH I'M SLIPPING DOWN TO WHERE I WAS ON FRIDAY. I LOST IT COMPLETELY, BUT I WAS REFERRED BY MY DOCTOR TO SEE AN EMERGENCY MENTAL HEALTH PERSON THIS WEEK, WHO WILL THEN FWD ME ONTO A PDOC VSOON. I WAS TOLD 2 WEEKS AGO BY ANOTHER DOCTOR THAT I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT 2 YEARS!!!!! SO I FEEL BETTER THT I "LOST IT" IN A WAY BECAUSE IT GOT RESULTS, I GOT SLEEPING TABS TO LAST ME THE WEEKENDAND I SHOULD BE FEELING GREAT YEAH? NO.
2 OF MY BEST FRIENDS CAME ROUND YESTERDAY, BROUGHT ME FLOWERS AND STAYED TO CHEER ME UP, WHICH THEY DID. PERSUADED ME TO GO OUT AND PLAY CARDS - WHICH I DID. HAD FEW GLASSES OF WINE, SO I DIDN'T TAKE SLEEPING PILL. UP TIL 6 ON CHAT, MADE MYSELF FEEL WORSE. I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY SELF INFLICTED, JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF HOUSE, WHICH I'VE BEEN FINDING IT HARD TO DO AT TIMES.

I'M NOT USED TO THIS UP/DOWN THING. USUALLY I'M DOWN. OR LEVEL. BEEN EXPERIENCING MASSIVE HIGHS, FOLLOWED BY REALLY BAD LOWS.
I SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO SLEEP WHEN I CAMEHOME, BUT I KNOW I'D JUSTLIE THERE STIFFAS A BOARD, NOT RELAXED AND WANTING TO TALK ON HERE WHERE I FEEL UNDERSTOOD AND SAFE. I'VE WANTED TO SEE A PROPER PDOC FOR SO LONG, NOW I'M SCARED BECAUSE I HAVE TO OPEN UP MY HEART RIGHT FRM WHERE IT FIRST BROKE ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. THERE ARE ACOUPLE OF STITCHES IN IT WHERE I HAVE TRIED TO MEND IT BEFORE, SOME RECENTLY TO A FRIEND,BUT TO SAY IT FACE TO FACE AGAIN - WELL, THT'S DAUNTING. I FEEL SELFISH AND GUILTY FOR FEELING LIKE THIS WHEN I SHOULD BE GLAD.

JUST HAD TO WRITE, WAS ON MY MIND. WRITING THINGS DOWN HELP ME.

JINNYANN