Hi all,
I'm just having a really tough time coping at work at the moment. I've been in my job for nearly 8 years, I'm a care worker at a special needs college.
My job used to be great, I worked with a great bunch of girls and we all got along really well. I've suffered with depression since I was 14 and I started having a bit of time off work. That was when management moved me to work in another part of the college, An area that has a reputation for *****iness, Basically its where they move you to when they want you to leave but don't want to actually fire you, They hope you'll be bullied out. Yep, Totally unacceptable. From day one the women there were vile to me, They played some nasty pranks on me, I won't go into detail as just thinking about what happened will make me cry! But, This was 4 years ago and I'm still there, I refuse to let a bunch of cows who frankly should know better to force me out of a job,I'm very good at covering up how I really feel and how things affect me and I guess they just got bored and laid off me, But I do not like one single person I work with because of what they did to me!

Every now and then things get on top of me, This happened last year and my doctor put me off work for 2 weeks with stress. They were the happiest 2 weeks I had had in a long time and I just felt so free, I was actually quite positive but all too soon I had to go back and immediately felt stressed out and sad again, Its extremely hard spending all day with people you don't like, It almost makes me feel like I'm being unfair saying this about my workmates but they really are just the vilest people imaginable. The only saving grace of my job (And i suppose it is a big one) Is the holidays, I work at a college so it is term time only.

I used to think I can put up with this, Its only x amount of weeks until the summer holidays, Half term etc but every day its becoming harder and harder for me. I've rang in sick most of this past week, I rang in at the weekend, Went in on Monday but said I was ill (I did look horrendous lol) And have rang in yesterday and today, I feel I had to or I would explode. I will go in tomorrow but I'm dreading it but then again I don't feel guilty about it, I simply had to do it, I'll say it was a flu bug.

I think what I really need is to not work at all for a while, My house is an absolute tip as I can never be motivated to do any housework and now its all
just got on top of me, I do have a brilliant partner but he works long hours. I just want to get my house and my head straight, When I have a day off I just stay in bed all day. When I get home from work in the evening, I just go straight to bed, Not to sleep but I literally do nothing, I feel exhausted all the time.

I'd love to do a course, Photography is something that interests me or an open university degree, But I know I'm not clever enough to complete a degree, Friends say I put myself down all the time but I can't help it.
I used to love reading and listening to music but I can't even do that these days as I find it too exhausting and my mind wanders.

I just really don't like the direction my life seems to be heading at the moment. I wish I had a magic wand and could just fix my life.

I know work isn't the only thing making me so depressed but to be able to give up that job would be a huge relief for me. I wish I could take a part time job and as I said do a course but we would struggle financially. Last year there were rumours of redundancies at work. I prayed for redundancy as then it would have been out of my control and I would have had no choice.

I'm not on any medication for my depression, I really don't like taking medication and counselling would not appeal to me at all, I'm just sick of feeling so crap all the time.

I just had to get all this out in the open, Sorry for going on folks!