I'm so concerned for my daughter and it's such a hard road to navigate right now. It's just wearing me out...literally.

Late last year she had a horrible battle with her back and pain and immobility. After many ER visits for shots after she'd already dealt with MASSIVE pain at home, we found out she had two herniated discs in her back. We were able to get the worst of it under control with steroids. I had to be there for her every second. She was practically immobilized for many months...either due to pain, or fear of pain. I had to be there 24/7 to do for her, talk her through the pain, talk her through the panic, take her to doctors, etc., etc., etc. I watched her go from a vibrant, mega-independent young woman to a totally needy child. The doctors explained that it would take a year for her herniations to heal.

She seemed to be healing, still dealing with pain at almost any physical activity and, therefore, living in complete panic in expecting the horrible pain to return. I've been there. That's a hell on earth. I had to do so much for her, physically and emotionally. No choices...she needed it but at the same time resented that I HAD to...reflecting that resentment on me.

She was continuing to heal and come back around when (while taking birth control) she found out she is pregnant. Now she's newly married (less than two months) and three months pregnant.

Again, she was beginning to begin to do again on her own then got horribly ill. We found out at her first OB visit that she's showing hyperthyroid...which can cause extreme nausea, ill feeling, agitation, etc. magnifying morning sickness and mood swings greatly.

She's been so incredibly sick; getting dehydrated a couple of times. Again, she can't do and needs help. That's fine. Im mama and that's what mom's do.

The thing is...

She's so incredibly HATEFUL. It's so hard. This has been going on for six months now, and now we have another six months to go with focus on well mama and new baby. I just have to go in the other room and cry sometimes, even after using hubby as a sounding board which is wearing him out.

I know she can't help alot of this as alot of it is physical. I do feel that she can control it much better than she is and some of it has become habit. It's hard for me not to "stand my ground or come back" when I feel I'm being attacked. I can't because I never know what's illness and what's her being a turd.

I have to get through this next visit with the specialist for the thryroid issue so that hopefully we can get her stablized while still knowing I'll have to be there heavy-duty when her back starts in (dr says it will for sure), then mama's main and biggest role in her life to date will be getting her back to the road she was on prior to this. It might not happen until after she has the baby...I'm aware of that. She's going to have issues with her back as well. Oh, this is going to be a long next six months.

I just needed someone to know how hard it is right now, vent to someone who might understand.

Instructing and encouraging her to self-soothe and be OK with self again, as well as find her independence again, may be one of my difficultly navigated roles yet as a mother. She's so childlike and miserable. It could be that she embraces that herself when she feels better.

It's just so hard to feel attacked and triggered (PTSD) all the time, due to feeling pressured and attacked, because there's no way to almost completely manage another's life and do it well. She feels sooooo needy, and I can't make it all better. I need to explain to her that, even when I'm not doing just for her, she's my entire life.

KD