Your daughter is having a really hard time but her behavior is never determined by her illness, just grossly influenced. She's being a turd all the time :-) It's not your job as a mother or other person, no matter how you slice it, to worry about her words and behavior and whether it's "okay" or not. If it's "ugly" it's not okay. We always need to be responsible for ourselves no matter what the circumstances.

You need to let her know how her behavior is affecting you and sapping your strength so it is hard to help her when she most needs it. Not being "honest" with her, trying to take on more than your share of her personality is not helping either of you? We cannot change other people, only ourselves and likewise we cannot carry other people 100%, only ourselves and sometimes, when we're feeling strong enough and have good support ourselves, we can let them lean a bit on us.

Fear of something that might happen but is not now happening is anxiety and not a healthy thing. I think your daughter needs to be given more responsibility for herself and her pain rather than being allowed to have mama back so much? Mama does have her own life (or should). Once we get to a certain age (and what is her husband doing? Lots of this should be his job?) we don't get that one-on-one mama thing anymore, we're "grown" or need to work on being grown. It's a hard, painful world but the baby birds gotta learn to fly even though some don't make it. Any chance of your daughter getting psychotherapy and "support" that way?