I can't just use any online site though. I refuse to pay for one and I don't want to lie about what I identify as my sexuality. The vast majority of sites allow you to be either "straight" or "gay" with no in between. Besides, I don't think online dating is helpful at all for me and I just keep going back to it out of desperation.

I need love, connection, affection, and emotional support. For the first time in my life I sort of have the beginning of a real life emotional support system. I just find it hard to believe that friends will be able to fulfill all my needs now and forever. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there are some needs that won't be truly fulfilled outside of an actual relationship. There's just no opportunity for that.

I have a lot of trouble believing that someone who can stand me AND is physically attracted to me AND is single is something that exists. My friends say they can stand me, but it's probably because I'm heavily drugged with psychiatric drugs. To the point that it's almost like being stoned most of the time. I have trouble remember simple things now and my brain can hardly work well enough to do anything, at least not on the level I used to be able to do them. But people can stand to be around me finally and I'm calm…so I don't know what to do.