You're absolutely right Fay.....I thought I'd better be just "up" all the time. I thought I should just be grateful that its not worse, which it could be......and I am grateful. But I have to let myself feel frustrated about it. I have to feel angry, I have to mourn the loss of my old life before "The Mess". I have to remember thats its ok to be frustrated about it. My doctors say not to get stressed, not to get depressed, so I went the opposite extreme and stuffed it all. Which turned out to be sooo much worse.

Since I had my breakdown and wished I could drink or die....since I got honest here, honest with my friends, my body hurts less......actually allowing myself to feel the depression and anger and reach another stage in the levels of grief was more helpful than being hunky dorey al the time.

So now I can honestly say that I'm doing ok and am happy, without it being a lie, because I let myself have the rough month. I just hope that I don't let myself get in that much pain again before asking for help.

To drink or die would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Its good you know you have your eye out on me.

I solemnly swear to whine and complain when I need to. Hahaha. And post more here too.

Went to 3 meetings yesterday and then my friend came over and we crocheted some and listened to silly music and laughed, and shared our sorrows and laughed some more, it was great! My sponsor has 17 years today, so I'll go to that celebration, and my friend who has about a month and half on me has 2 years today. So it's a joyous day.

(((( splitimage )))) ---- thank you for sharing your 30 days with us. Your post put the biggest smile on my face first thing when I woke up and checked the forums. You're an inspiration to me....never forget that. You have 30 LONG days of experience strength and hope. By reminding me of how hard that 30 day chip was to get, you're pushing me farther from a drink. Thank you for being of service hon, YOU ROCK!!!!!

(((((( Fayerody ))))))) ------ You've known me for quite awhile now, so you know how to call me out on my bullsh__. Thank you for all your support , and again for keeping an eye on me. Slap me if you don't see me posting.

Love you all!!!!

~Rayna