Hi All --

I'm feeling today as if life is futile, that nothing I do matters, in the sense of producing positive results. The phrase, "I don't care," keeps running through my mind in an endless loop, and I am doing my best to cfhange it to, "I can barely care," to open that tiny space for the positive thoughts and actions of recovery.

About 10 days, I went to a gentle yoga relaxation class, as part of my self-program to get out of the house and do things that are good for myself. I used to exercise regularly, including swimming and yoga, but physicians advised me to try tai chi because it would be gentler, which I haven't done. And, of course, I had to give up my dogs, so I am not walking every day as I used to.

I noticed a tight band of pain centered on a particular disk mid-spine. And when I feel there, the disk is bulging or swollen. And I am terrified.

I was dragged down 11 steps on my back by a mugger 30 years ago, and the resulting 18 months of traction and rehab that didn't work, wearing a back brace, the spinal tap, surgery to stop creeping paralysis, and recovery, were hell.

I became very devoted to maintaining moblity until this new round of ailments and loss set in.

I can't get to see an orthopedist for another 9 days, and I have invented a very scarey scenario about how I'm going to have to return to S. Fla for surgery -- I can't afford to do it with the out of state copay here in Louisiana -- and ask a relative or friends to put me up for a couple of weeks while I recover -- and of course, isolating in depression and being an introvert, asking for help is hell.

And I am reliving all the pain of that first back injury.

And the pain seems to be getting worse. Of course, I poke at it to see if it's gone every two second. And do stretching exercises to see if it's gone which seem to be aggravating the pain.

And I think -- why do I even try to get out of this hell of being jobless and not having a permanent home and trying to make life better. Because when I crawl out of my dark hole for even two second, some new bad thing happens, and I feel overwhlemed. I even dream about being overwhelmed and all the sadness about my lossses over the past year.

Just venting. Nothing anyone can do, but the posts that people understand and empathize are supportive.

Love ya all.