I am not doing well. Every day is a nightmare. I have no life- I literally have no friends, I don't talk to anyone outside of my family. I don't drive, I don't leave the house, I have no hobbies, no job. There's nothing. It's like I'm locked inside my brain and I can't remember how to be human anymore. I don't feel anything for anyone, I feel no connection to my family despite the fact that I've lived with them my entire life. It just disappeared one day, they don't even feel like my family anymore. I don't have anyone to confide in, I spend 90% of my day in my bedroom alone. My emotions don't make sense, they cycle around and pop up unexpectedly or not at all. None of my emotions feel genuine, everything I do feels like an act, I feel like an imposter. Being around people is exhausting because I have to expend so much energy pretending to still be an actual human. I crave social interaction like nothing else but when I'm in a conversation it's like I'm on autopilot and it never satisfies me.

Everything about me is wrong, everything I do is a hollow imitation and everything I do is like cardboard. I feel like I'm constantly watching other people and clumsily mimicking what they do, and doing it poorly. I don't know what I think anymore, it's like my thoughts are garbled and confusing and deceptive and I can't understand them. I can't even understand my memories, they feel unfamiliar and anxious and hazy, like I stole them. The world around me feels so fake and wrong that I think it can't be real. I feel like I'm moving at the wrong speed, like I'm out of sync with the rest of the world. It looks wrong and the idea of everything is so ridiculous it feels made up. I wonder if I made it up, if nothing actually exists. Maybe I don't even exist.

Some days I am completely shut down, I don't react right to people speaking to me, I can't remember the right social cues and I feel like I'm made of stone. Which way do I move my mouth to smile? How do I focus my eyes? I feel like I'm moving through water. I fade in and out- why am I holding this? Did I pick it up? Did you hand it to me? When did we start walking? What am I doing?

Some days the world looks funny like it's a stage, like the furniture is just a picture printed on cardboard. Sometimes the hallway looks a mile long and the car looks the size of a toy and the ground looks ten feet down and my wrists look the width of a toothpick. Sometimes I feel like I've shrunk inside my head and my consciousness isn't big enough for my body anymore, isn't big enough to be in control and I'm drowning in the size of it all. Sometimes the people's faces look like Picasso paintings, like a collection of parts instead of a whole, or they become inhuman and threatening. Sometimes the colors look too bright and the world looks too 3D and too real and it's overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I just can't exist right now, like everything is pushing in around me and I can't move and I can't sit still and I can't bear to be anywhere at all.

I don't know how to explain how I feel to anyone, how WRONG I am, how I feel like I'm losing my mind and hanging on by a thread. No one seems to understand how it is, how empty and full and overwhelmingly scary my mind is constantly. It's like I'm incapable of expressing myself, everything gets jumbled together even when I'm not trying to talk about difficult things. I know I don't make sense to anyone in my life. It's like we're speaking different languages, like there's a barrier between us and no one can get through anymore. I feel so trapped and it never ends, every day is the same and I can't get out.

Tell me you understand what I'm trying to say. Someone has to.