I understand what you are trying to say. And you expressed your inner self with intelligence and heart felt pain. You are able to communicate, this post is proof. Maybe not the way you see other people do it but they are other people. We are all specific to ourselves and the way we communicate with others is unique to ourselves. Clearly you can communicate your inner most thoughts in writing. Do you have a therapist? Even if you don't believe you could communicate to a therapist you can write down your thoughts and work with a therapist from there. I did that with my t through emails. I brought things up that I never would have said out loud. Also do you keep a journal? I think it would help your mind to be able to let some of your thoughts out even if it is only in a journal. Keeping a journal has helped me to organize things in my head and creates a sense of time for me. I lose track of how much time has passed. Most times I don't know what day it is. I also keep a calender on my computer to help me organize things in my life. Some of what you discribe is familiar so know you are not alone in your experience. If you don't have a therapist there might be a hotline in your area where you can call and express your concerns. Often they can lead people to free or inexpensive mental health treatment. We all need a way to release our thoughts. I hope something I have said helps. I hope you begin to feel stronger. There is help, you just have to move toward it. Take care.