I want to thank everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I feel like the darkness has been lifted off of me...somewhat. You guys here are a lifesaver. I hope I can give back to this community everything that you have given to me, which is hope and inspiration. Believe me, words may seem like such small, insignificant things, but they can move mountains (or storm clouds). Since I really have a spotty support system (best friend is a fellow depressed introvert and my mother is aging and senile), you all here have been like a beacon of light to me. I appreciate it. Thanks again.

I probably need to be medicated, but I'm trying to make do with diet/exercise, positive thoughts (ha!), Buddhism, music, studies that actually interest me, and a nice home atmosphere. I grow a ton of plants and just looking at my little indoor jungle cheers me up some days. I'm considering making an appt. very soon to see a psychologist and see if he or she recommends anything more.

He has been kissing my bottom lately, and I suspect that is only to keep me placated. I did a psych paper for him that got him a 98%, got a 100% on one of his quizzes and a 90% on another. This was just skimming the material. I know that he can do this if he actively studies! He takes the book with him to work, and I wonder what he does with it? We (lol) are learning about methods of conditioning, and I wonder if I am conditioning him to rely too much upon me for anything that requires cognition? What does he do at work when something requires thought and study? The way his ego needs fed, I'm having a difficult time imagining that he just lets it fall to the wayside.

Part of me feels like I failed myself by marrying him. Now, am I also enabling him to fail himself? I really understand that we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but shouldn't we strive to get better at what we are weak at? I got better at maths by constant study and application. He claims that he "is just not good at book smarts" (his exact words, but he signed up for college courses. Sigh), but he managed to complete a very intensive military course to attain high NCO rank. No one did his work there...or did they? I'm starting to wonder, what is black and what is white.

I enjoy study, but only topics that interest me and that at my own pace. Therefore, I never went to college. Honestly, I had a phobia of it because as a kid, I was pushed so hard to go and it seemed so impossible. So, I rebelled by saying screw that. Looks like college found me anyhow, so you win college! You win! I've been an independent scholar since, studying everything but mastering nothing. And I was happy with that. Smart enough to help my son and his friends master algebra, but too lackadaisical to apply that in a college setting. Now, I am being used for my brain and I greatly dislike and resent that. I have had to put my own projects aside to assist him for the next 16 weeks. Still, part of me feels some obligation. I pity him because he won't even give himself the benefit of the doubt and TRY. He wanted this for himself! I just can't even understand his rationale...

Gosh...sorry for the ramble. Going to try and keep myself on an even keel. I feel the mojo, the inner guidance directing me. I know I must make a plan to go. We've simply grown apart as far as I can see. I see an end to this. It won't be forever. I made a mistake in my stupid youth. Now, I have to learn some lessons. The irony.