Hi guys, not really sure why I am posting this, I guess the title says it all. I feel like I have some sort of personality disorder, but have so many contradicting traits. I guess that makes me normal, or completely insane. I suppose I will start with an introduction. Word of warning, this post will be long. I will try to limit it to the best of my ability though.

I am a 20 year old male (soon to be 21). I am a computer science student. I had a good, 'normal' upbringing. There were no significant events in my life that could have potentially moulded my personality (at least that I am aware of). The only two things I can think off, both fairly minor, is moving country when I was around 10, and being bullied a little in secondary school. It was nothing too serious though.

During my early teenage years I rarely socialised, opting instead to play games for hours upon hours (something I personally think may be the source of many of my personality traits). From around 17 onwards I started to socialise a lot more. When I say socialise, I mean go out at the weekends and drink with friends. I didn't do any other activities with friends, and still don't to this day. I just don't see the point. I don't even enjoy going out drinking - infact I regret it, but I do it every week, at least once.

From here on in, I am just going to list traits, and describe a little how they apply to me, otherwise I know I would have the biggest wall of text by the time Im done just going in circles.

Prone to depression:

I Always get depressed for a few days after drinking. This is normal. Sometimes though, I make myself get depressed through feelings of failure and that life is insignificant. I feel like I am a robot, just on auto-pilot. I know my life is destined to be irrelevant. I rarely succeed in anything I do. Its a strange depression, as I am not sure I care to change it. I am not overly bothered about getting better. I am not suicidal in anyway shape or form, the concept just doesn't make sense to me, but I don't think I would feel as bad if I was told I was going to die, as perhaps others would.

Social anxiety:

I don't suffer severe anxiety, but I am certainly not very good socially. I do my best to avoid social interaction with those I am not comfortable with. With drink I am a little more social. I am very introverted and tend to keep myself to myself. I am bad with crowds and talking to people I don't know. I wouldn't say it hinders my life, as I don't really care to be social. As I already mentioned, I am introverted and enjoy my own company and always choose to do things on my own when the option is there.

Its really strange though, I feel as if I have created a false identity for myself. People that don't truly know me (nobody truly knows me, not even my closest friends. I tell them lots, and they know lots about me, but they nowhere near understand who I am) see me as fairly popular guy, charismatic, get on with everyone, get lots of girls and all the things associated with being a great socialite. I feel as if I have to keep this identity going, even though its not what I want. That is probably down to being bullied in the past, and holding on to the image I forged for myself.

Uncomfortable with intimacy:
I really am not good with this sort of thing. I am attracted to girls, I masturbate & watch porn (perhaps even a little too much), I am very vain and look after myself, but I have no desire to get with girls on an intimate level. I am extremely uncomfortable with even being touched. I am even uncomfortable with family hugging me and such. When I was younger and my mum tried to kiss or hug me (even still with hugs from family), I often try turn away or don't hug back etc.

With girls its strange, as I am attracted to them, and love the idea that they want me, but I just don't want to do anything with them. I have kissed many girls, mainly due to being pushed in to it by friends, or doing it so I feel I can avoid being criticised for being weird and not getting with girls, though I don't enjoy it at all - and I never initiate it either. I just do it to fit in, once or twice a year.

I have never done more than kiss a girl, and have no desire to. I often think to myself, it would be good to have sex once, as I would be immune to criticism and scrutiny after that, and could live celibate from there on in. But it just seems alien to me. I have had many opportunities (two nights ago being one). I was in bed with a girl. I was really drunk and she was kissing me and touching me, I just felt really uncomfortable. I knew she was trying to go further, but I was just unresponsive. I waited till she got bored and went down to the couch, blaming the heat of the room.

For what its worth, I have never been subject to any sexual abuse whatsoever to my memory.

Lack of empathy & emotion:

I wouldn't say I am completely emotionally dead, but I certainly show a lack of empathy with others. Its not that I don't care, its just that unless it affects me, I don't fully understand the importance or significance of a situation. Someone could tell me about a negative experience they are in, and it would have left my mind by the time they have stopped talking. I don't mean to be like that, I really don't.

I can be helpful to people, more so people that I am unfamiliar with though. I guess its just part of the image I try to uphold. I don't feel obliged to help close friends or family though, in fact, its a chore for me. I do very little of what my family ask of me, and I am not sure I truly feel bad about it.

Pessimistic:

I am very pessimistic. I always think the worse. Again, its something that my close friends and family know all too well, and often tell me it. I try not set my hopes high, possibly for fear of failure or rejection. I'm in two minds about my reaction to failure and rejection, I used to think it didn't bother me, but I think now perhaps it does, and I just try to pretend that it doesn't. I actually hide it fairly well.

Prone to fits of rage:

This is a strange one, I never get angry in public. People would describe me as a calm person. Almost suspiciously calm. When I am on my own though, I can just see red for the smallest of things. I mean really small things. I often punch/throw things etc. I have been punched many times before, and never reacted to things like that, but if an inanimate object hurts or disappoints me or whatever, I often lose it. An example would be stubbing my toe on the door, I swear at the door and punch it etc. Stupid I know. The worse one when I just went completely mental, was so stupid. I was cooking eggs and the yok burst or something so I just punched them until they were mutilated all over the floors and walls. Its worrying that I have that in me to be honest, and I am glad I can contain it in social situations. To date.

If there is anything else I have forgot, I will add it later if possible. If you read this post, thanks for taking the time. Im sure the last thing you want to read is my pathetic story. I have nothing to complain about in my life really. I have it so easy compared to most. I am not sure what I expect to get out of this, as I am not sure I want to change. I guess I just feel its exhausting at times. I just want to live the life I want, but often feel it impossible.

I used to always think I had schizoid or avoidant pd, but the more I thought about it, I realise there is probably a bit of NPD in there too. Obviously you guys wont diagnose me, but any opinions on what I may have (if anything), would be greatly appreciated.

Once again, thanks for taking the time.