I was taught from a very young age to not talk....not about anything that really matters, or to show any true emotion. When I tried to tell people and get help when I was little, I was blatantly told "don't ever tell our personal problems to anyone" and was severely punished for my digression. I have known my husband for 30 years, but I've never told him my innermost feelings and the only time he has seen true emotion from me is when it boiled over

I've always been able to write things. I was having a gigantic amount of issues and the emotions were bubbling to the surface but I didn't have the ability to tell him how I felt. I tried, oh how I tried, but it wasn't going to happen.

I finally decided that the only way I could tell him was to write him. I wrote this long diatribe over several weeks. It was very very hard to give it to him but I did. All I asked was that he read it and start talking to me about it. My hope was if he started a conversation, I would be able to slowly but surely contribute and be able to talk. I gave him the letter and asked if we could talk and he said yes. I waited and waited. He never talked to me. I felt totally ignored and invalidated.

I want to break up for this among other reasons..this happened almost 2 years ago. To be fair to him however, I have to tell him why, and I'm once again faced with how. I honestly don't know how, particularly after the result last time when I was in so much pain and did the only thing I knew to do and was ignored.

Does anyone have any suggestions or have an meditation practices or reading material I can read on the subject to make it even the slight bit easier. I'm trying, I really am, but how can you break down a wall that was erected 40 years ago?

Any suggestions at all would be nice. Please, please, please be sensitive to this issue. Don't tell me to just "suck it up" or "get over it". Although I know it needs to be done, it's near impossible to me and by far one of the hardest things for me to do.