So I realize I haven't been on in months, but right after Christmas *the next day* my computer died and it's taken me this long to be able to afford a new one.
I wanted to update though, I did not get to see my boy for Christmas, or his 21st birthday. He got a new job and breezed in once because he was starving.
A part of me wanted to hold out and tell him I wasn't feeding him a part of me wants to hurt him, I want to walk away I want to let go, but I'm weak so I fed him and I fussed and clucked over him all night like an idiot.
After eating he promptly left to go to his girlfriends house and I didn't see him or hear from him again for two weeks. He messaged me on facebook just long enough to ask me to e-mail about thirty different companies for him.
Again, I wanted to say no. His girlfriend is so wonderful why can't she do it? Oh, that's right because she didn't even graduate highschool and is as illiterate as a box of rocks. I wanted to say all that instead I wrote the paper he needed written and e-mailed all the people, I made hotel reservations for his next big race, and got things ready to go for him, only for him to post on facebook about his wonderful girlfiend and how he can't do anything without her and he didn't know love could be unconditional or faithful until he met her.
My boyfriend is struggling between his own job, schooling and now this. When I approach him he tries to support me but it's out of his hands just like it is mine, and this has caused us to fight because while I know he can't do anything someone has to help me. I'm dying over her, this is killing me.
In February I will get to spend 2 days locked in a hotel room with his girlfriend, and while he races I know she'll be in the crowd bragging about her man. I do all the work I pull all the stings I open all the doors and I get the cold shoulder while she gets him. It's going to be my birthday and I'm not even having a party because there's no point. He won't notice it's my birthday anyway.
I'm not a shallow person, I'm not a whiner, I'm not this person. I'm strong, and all I ever wanted in life is children and a husband. I found the man I want to marry and while I can't have my own children I thought I'd found a son. I lost one and I don't know how I'm supposed to marry his brother when things are like this now.
I wish I could walk away I wish the next time he came to me for something I could slam the door in his face but I can't. I'm a doormat, and that hurts. Where is the loyalty? I'm faithful to those I love and I'd never hurt someone like this ever. I just don't know what to do anymore.