Your patience in the face of my stubbornness and fear is overwhelming sometimes. How do you do it? How is it that you can reassure me and stick with me when you see all the ugly? How are you still okay with me? You should hate me. That's the only explanation I know. But you don't. And that's so confusing. WHY? Why won't you just quit? Why haven't you thrown in the towel yet, and seen how impossible your job is with me? Is the money I am paying really enough to earn this level of dedication? I barely pay 2/3 of your normal fee. There's no way I would put up with me for that amount. I feel guilty for taking up your time and loyalty when there are others who could easily get better faster than me and be more gratifying. People who aren't me, who don't constantly question you and run from you at the first sign of emotion, who are more open, and who are less messed up.

I try to be the person you want, but I don't even know who that is. You don't seem to distinguish between things I do or say that you like more or less. You are so confusing! My normal habit is to figure out what people want from me and then spend my time making sure they don't reject and abandon me by constantly giving them that. You would say that comes from my narcissistic family, where my whole existence was making sure I made other people happy. But it's how I relate to everyone, not just narcissists. I don't know how NOT to. Yet you have said you don't want me to "take care" of you. But...but...I don't know any other way of relating to other people. I can't accept things from then without feeling like I'm in their debt and they want me to "pay up" for their kindness. I need to rebalance my relationships fast or they will get bored and realize I won't give them what they want (because surely, they don't want a relationship with me simply for who I am...that's impossible!)

And you are so available and caring and reassuring (you remind me of the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, self-control). I can't even fully describe it, what it is or what it means to me, or how it affects me. I feel safe around you (unless I am doubting everything), I want to snuggle up next to you (we weird as that sounds) and never leave, and it gives me hope which I don't know quite how to handle. I don't get my hopes up normally because it hurts when I'm let down. And yet, I can't help it with you.

I have been in therapy for just over a year and a half. And it took this long for these feelings to start appearing. Before the beginning of December, you could have walked out of my life and I wouldn't have been too affected (I kept expecting you to do so any minute). It wouldn't have been fun, but it wouldn't have been overwhelming. But that has all changed in these past two months. Suddenly, I need you. And I am terrified of you leaving. And I can't imagine you not being there for me. And I care about what you think. And I tell you things I never would have told anyone. I think I may even love you (but not in a romantic way...it's more of an admiration and care...basically I don't want you to disappear on me). And because of this, all kinds of stuff is spilling out. And that's not easy to deal with.

I expected you to be angry at me this week for resisting your suggestion so much. Yet you responded with a willingness to do what I felt was right, and did not get angry or frustrated with me. You even said that you would never want me to think and feel exactly like you do, and that you are okay with me being unique. That sent me reeling. And filled me with sadness. I have never been comfortable being able to disagree with any authority figure because I knew that punishment was imminent should I attempt it. All of this is so new.

Another thing...my sudden, intense relational needs (are they really needs?) are freaking me out. I texted you just to say hi. Only that! What the heck was I thinking? Basically, by doing that, I said I missed you, I wanted to hear from you, and I valued and cared about our relationship. And I know you could see all that. You're smart enough and know me well enough to be able to read the emotions behind that. Eek! You're not supposed to know those things! You could do so much damage to me now. I don't allow people this close. And now I feel out of control of the relationship because you now have the power. S**t. I was trying to avoid that.

Whoever invented this therapy stuff was wacked. It hurts!