A rant:

I'm tired of using up all the emotional energy I have fighting BP and its myriad symptoms and struggles. I have been stable on meds, but I still deal with mild mood swings and paranoia. It is frustrating to have been living with this disease for so many years and STILL have it dominate my life.

The hardest thing is not being able to trust myself to make friends. I know I have an "oddball" personality and in the past I've run the few friends I've made off by blowing up when hypomanic or ignoring them when depressed. So I walk on eggshells around people, repeating DBT principles like a mantra.

I can understand why BP people have high sui rates...it's all so wearing on a person's soul. Loneliness, fear, regret, shame...all daily battles.

The only good thing about this disease is that there are those few and far between "good" days when all seems "normal". But that is a cruel joke. I should be rewarded for my successes in managing my nightmare with more of them to make it easier to go on fighting. But, no such luck.

Obviously I have rapid cycling BP 1. I have a lot of support, but at the end of the day my internal struggles come rushing back to keep me awake at night.

Thanks for reading. I know there are many here who understand.