Went back to T today after the weeks break. IN the begining a weeks break was simple. Now that I feel a whole lot more, even a week is painful.

Normally I am able to hold the return to therapy up like a carrot on a stick to myself, but couldn't seem to do that this time. To aware of the absence off T.

I was consumed with powerful emotions in T today. On the drive over I done something I havent done since I stopped drinking over 4yrs ago. I was fantasing how lovely sitting on a park bench and passing the bottle between fellow alkes would be, not a healthy thought.

I arrived feeling angry. T said talk about it, and I said its hard talking to someone that is the object of my anger. Then I kinda of drifted in between "states". I was aware of how bad I felt last week, how uncared for it felt not being cared for in my normal sessions. T said didn't I feel that she cares about me even when she's not there? I said NO!. I feel as if you put me outside and then bring me in again. But the confusion going on inside was awful. These voices and feelings were screaming at T "abandoner" But *I* know that isnt right. I know she cares but I couldn't "look" at that. MY pain was much louder then my sense.

I eventually broke down and hid my head. I haven't done that in a while and had learnt to cry sitting up. But today I felt I had gone backwards. I told T I know she isn't an abandoner but I feel as if this other me is more powerful. T said you are being reminded of something. Yes thats what it is. Not just my original abandoment by my bio mum but all the emotional abandoment by my adoptive mum. That feeling of not being cared enought about! It rips you apart!

Toward the end of session I told T about my drink fantasy. She said it must seem a safe place to be right now? where nothing is expected of you and somewhere where you don't need anyone? But in reality its not a safe place to be. I know that. I know I won't drink. But that tearing pain inside of not being cared about is awful. I must say to myself. That was then, its not now.