I had sent him two texts in the past two weeks that were unanswered. One about wanting to talk to him all the time, blah blah blah. He never responded to either of those.

I came in there obviously acting weird. He was happy to see me, asking how work, life, and everything else is. I just say "good, fine." (which is out of the ordinary, because I'm always *****ing about something.)

Finally I just came out with it. Told him I've been experiencing some transference. He asked "Are you liking me more than you should?" I nodded and looked at the ground.

He said that it's happened before and told me to describe those feelings. I said it was a mix between romantic, father figure, and friendship.

Then he said that he wants me to know that a romantic relationship between him and I could never happen, ever. Not even on the table. I looked like I was about to cry. (I was).

But then he said that he's not gonna refer me to someone else, so now that I got that fear of abandonment out of the way, he wanted to talk more. He admitted this was awkward for him too, so he said not to worry.

I told him that the child in me thinks it's not fair. That if I had met him under different circumstances, in a different time, in a different place, things could be different. He agreed and said "Good point." He said that he does care about me and enjoys our energy together and honest to god wants to HELP me. I just told him I think he's so wonderful, and there are no men my age like that. He asked if I've always been interested in older men, and yeah, I guess I have. He told me that maybe I could take what I like about him and try to find someone else with a bit of those qualities, because it obviously won't happen here.

I asked if he ever gets depressed, angry, etc. He laughed. He said he does, but that he doesn't like to wallow in it. I was like, "How on earth could you sit here and listen to people wallowing???" He wants to help them come to solutions.

I told him my beef with therapy is that us as clients are sharing these intimate emotions with someone, and they're just supposed to remain a robot? What was I paying him for? He says he likes to be honest and maybe self-discloses more than the average therapist. He said I can ask him anything, but that he won't answer everything, because some things are not for me to know.

In any case, he told me was seriously proud of me for bringing this up. He said, "I was waiting for you to say something, because honestly, I've known the whole time."

I was like, "What?????? Am I that transparent?" And he said, No. I just know what to look for." My face was really red after that. It was so embarrassing.

So now he just wants to work with me through this and explore how to work on myself and find a mate that suits my needs. We ended the session on a good note.

But then I stupidly texted him a few hours later stating that I didn't expect any reply from him, but that I felt a big relief telling him tonight, but also slightly disappointed. But also that if he was any less honorable of a man, then I probably wouldn't even be interested in him in the first place. I told him I didn't know what I was expecting and that I've been watching too much of that show "In Treatment." Then I thanked him again and told him I will try not to talk to him until I see him in our next session.

No response still. I know, I get it.

Sorry if this post is so dis-jointed. I was so emotionally charged last night, and sometimes it's difficult to bring up in words the exact dynamic of the session.