I'm not sure if I should post this on the new member thread since this is the main reason I am here (anxiety and depression aside), apologies if I did anything wrong. This is a really hard post to write, but I am desperate to get over things. I keep imagining my ex reading this and thinking I'm pathetic, not that he'd be on a forum like this, but I digress.

I feel like I am losing it sometimes.

Our relationship moved very quickly. We met on a chatroom discussing social justice issues back in June and we were drawn to each other instantly. We had very similar interests, senses of humor, taste in art, childhoods--everything. We started chatting with one another every single day and eventually that evolved into texting, then emails, then phone calls, then video chatting, and, ultimately, a visit in November.

He is in a very distinguished professional program and I was about to graduate undergrad. When we had first admitted our romantic feelings to one another, I kept saying I didn't know if it would even work outside of fantasy, but he had assured me, time and time again, that he was in it for the long haul. He wouldn't jump into anything without thinking it could last for a very long time.

A week before my trip to see him, he told me he needed to have a conversation about my expectations. He took a huge step back and told me I should try to date other people. He suggested we could just be really great friends with benefits who visited every few months and then, if I ever moved closer to him, we could date, but he couldn't be the reason for the move. This was after him initiating conversations about me being his girlfriend and suggesting we go on vacation together. He said he wanted to visit me during his winter break.

I was kind of taken aback, but I wasn't sure if he was just freaking out with my visit being so imminent, or if he was serious. In hindsight I should have realized it was the latter.

To keep this from becoming an even longer dissertation in heartbreak and what not to do, I am just going to be vague about the trip. It was nice, some things he did to me were kind of off-putting, but I still loved him. He was the same person I had spent hours talking to every day for almost 5 months. Our last night together he re-iterated hit statement on my dating others. I will never forget how he fell asleep holding my hand while I cried because I could not imagine watching him date someone else while I remained his closest friend.

Before I left I told him I didn't think I could still talk to him and date anyone and, most importantly, watching him date someone other than me would be pure torture. He told me that he doesn't date, but he wanted me to because he felt like I needed to be in other relationships; he couldn't be my first. He said he arrogantly imagined my other relationships ending and then he could be with me in good conscience.

We decided to take a break from talking for a bit. It was really hard and he would manipulate me so I would speak to him. After a few days he said he needed to talk to me because he was so stressed he sat in his closet for a few hours. And I gave in.

Eventually we cut off contact for two weeks. It was really hard and I practically begged him to talk to me after that.

During our last conversation he told me he couldn't speak to me for a few months because he felt so naked and awful every time he spoke to me. It was really rough conversation. In the end he said he needed to move on and he had a date a couple days from then and then he just completely cut me off. I understand why he did, but his mentioning his date ripped my chest open. I bawled in my friend's car. My body shook from crying so much. Eventually I had no more tears, only dried salt under my eyes.

The day of his date came and I kind of lost it. My anxiety and bipolar disorder took over my brain and I watched myself call him constantly to ask him why he hurt me so badly. I remember shaking and being completely numb to everything except calling him and texting him repeatedly. I finally stopped when he said he'd press charges if I didn't.

I still hate myself for what I did. I never threatened him, but I was definitely not OK and I know what I did was not Ok.

I started therapy and got some medication and for the most part I feel better now, but I regret my harassing him so much. I sent him a letter a few weeks ago apologizing. He responded by telling me he doesn't think about me at all so I shouldn't think I have any affect on him and then he told me to not message him again.

I need to move on. I know that. I feel ridiculous for missing him still. He was not a nice person outside of whatever we had. He would always tell me I was too pretty for him and how he was nervous every time I went out with friends because he thought I'd meet someone else. In person he would get angry at me in public because I walked too slow or touched him in a too-affectionate way. He was mean and selfish. He's one of those people who gets into petty online arguments on a regular basis. He always has to be right.

But I miss what we had so much. He really was my best friend. We shared everything, we knew each other's schedules, what we had for lunch, what we wore that day.

I don't feel this sad all the time. I have so many other things to do and thoughts to occupy my mind, but this week has been especially hard. I know he started classes again and when we had first started talking more personally it was after summer break.

I don't know what to do. I've gotten therapy, I've gotten medication, I've filled my days with doing things, I've read books, watched movies, hung out with friends almost every single day. I've been working out and eating healthy. I've gone on dates. I've slept around.

And still, here I am. We had only spoken for 5 months before things ended. I am at month 3 of not talking to him and I'm still so devastated on some days.

How could he not think about me at all? I could feel happy and carefree until a song comes on that completely unravels me because it has such strong ties to him. Then I wonder what I could have done differently.

I don't even care about our romance, but I miss my friend more than anything. I wish I hadn't overreacted. I wish he could forgive me. I wish I could forgive myself.

I feel so lost and empty sometimes. I feel pathetic for it.