I've been seeing this T for about six months now and I think it's been going really well; I have made A LOT of really good changes in my life since I've started seeing her. I don't think that she's "saved" me or anything; more like she's given me the tools to do some really good things. I haven't "fixed" everything yet but I'm getting there.

But part of me is worried that I'm too attached to her. This might just be because it's an old pattern of mine to get attached to adult women in positions of relative authority (like every teacher I ever had and previous Ts). With all of these other people, there was some very clear maternal transference going on - I used to fantasize about certain teachers adopting me or taking me to come live with them, or protecting me or hugging me or other things that were really just the five-year-old part of me wanting to be taken care of and loved. That isn't the case with this T; I don't fantasize about her taking care of me, and I don't fantasize about being her "special favorite" or about her "loving" me, and I know we're never going to have a relationship outside of her office, and I know that one day I'm not going to need her anymore and we will part ways, and I am totally, totally fine with all of that.

I guess it's just that I've mentally coded her as someone who cares about me and is a good support for me, which in and of itself is probably very healthy and necessary for the therapeutic relationship. But part of me is scared that I'm just looking at her as another supportive adult in my life and sort of taking advantage of her in a way...or just that my feelings towards her are just too much. Like I think about her A LOT (not "her" so much as "things I want to tell her," which I sometimes write down so I don't forget, and I have conversations with her in my head all the time) and I look forward to seeing her all week.

And I've called her maybe four or five times between sessions over the past two months, which was necessary a couple of times when something really big happened, but once I just wanted to tell her something I did that was really, really good and that I was really proud of (which could have waited until our next session) and once I wanted to apologize for taking my anger out on her that day during our session because I'd been in a bad place and then felt super guilty afterwards. I did something this week also that I was super proud of (dealt with a really tough situation with my mother in a really mature way) and the first thing I wanted to do when I'd dealt with that situation was to call T, but I held myself back because I didn't want her to think I was being too needy and calling so frequently between sessions is sort of needy...she gave me her number to call, but she didn't explicitly tell me to call once a week or whatever; I was under the impression when she gave it to me it was mostly for appointment changes or emergencies and I feel like I've been overusing it lately. So I slept on it and in the morning I was able to not call her and it wasn't a big deal, but even just the intense desire to call her and share my good news with her is making me wonder a bit.

Also, there was a situation two weeks ago (which is when I really started thinking about all this stuff) when I told T something that was super super traumatic for me that I'd never really told anyone else and had them respond well to, because when I told other people they always told me it was my fault that it happened. And when I told that to my T, which I was really nervous about talking about, she responded really well to it. (Which is her job, obviously, but in my head I think I coded it differently.) She didn't say it was my fault; she actually understood it and she said she was really sad that that had happened to me and other people shouldn't have treated me that way. And that felt really good to me that she responded that way. And I think that was when I identified her as this super safe person and then felt super attached to her...but I don't really know if this is actually a real thing to be worried about or if it's just my own patterns coming back and coloring my judgement...

Sorry for the novella here, but I would appreciate some guidance if anyone has any for me!