Sorry for the wall of text!

I received an email from my father expressing concern and encouragement.


Here is a summary of things he was concerned about:

1. I am difficult to communicate with so has no choice but to use email even though we live in the same house.
2. He feels like him and my mother know nothing about me
3. He's notices some changes recently
   • I appear sad all the time (I don't feel sad so I don't know)
   • I eyes look "lost in deep space"
   • I do not want to talk to anyone
   • I have lost interest in activities that I used to like (I haven't noticed that)
   • My eating habits have changed - I don't eat all the things I used to enjoy
   • I am "going into isolation"
4. He has also notice some personality changes that have occurred in the past year or so. He says that my personality has changed drastically. I don't want to interact with people I used to love (I do find them rather annoying now. I don't think I ever really loved them. I just put on the façade. )
5. My sleeping habits cycle between too much sleep and inadequate sleep.
6. He claims that it appears as though "someone else is controlling [my] soul and brain".
7. My decisions are not rational. (Sure I dropped out of grad school and don't try to go back to my field of study or whatever but it's not like I am quitting the job he found for me through his connections. I am going through the motions so I don't know what he is talking about. Maybe he is talking about some other decisions.)
8. I've been very irritable, angry, and volatile.
9. I seem to have lost interest in life.
10. I don't have a goal to work towards. (this is true)
11. I "don't act like a normal person".
12. This is all very difficult on them and is affecting the immensely.

He also said that him and my mother would never abandon me and that I should, or rather, need to, seek help more vigorously than I have in the past and try not to reject it as I have previously.


I have some personal concerns that have caused me to at least visit a professional:

1. Almost complete breakdown of social circles, which doesn't bother me at all, but I recognize as a potential problem
2. Weird transient thought patters.
   • For a few months, I thought it was my duty as a daughter to give my parents "the gift of death". I freaked out over it a while ago but the conclusion makes sense now. Even now, I am kind of not over that and have an active plan but I don't think I'd act on it.
   • For a shorter amount of time, I thought that my coworkers were people on some online forums that I'd never talked to. The is really no basis for that conclusion but I won't be surprised if that did turn out to be the case.
   • For a few minutes, at times, I find myself thinking that maybe the varying intensity caused by cars passing other cars on an intersection is some message in mores code. This short weird thought concludes in, "what the **** are you thinking, you fool! the cars are not relaying some message to you... ****ing idiot."
   • I also find myself thinking that people are conspiring to be nice and helpful to me, which doesn't even make sense because... why.
   • I thought for a while that the psychiatrist I'd been seeing and I had a bet going and that me returning to see him would mean that I've lost the bet. Again, wtf, why would he care. Lol
3. I've been experiencing some very VERY mild disturbances where I'd hear loud/sharp ringing or whispers and get freaked out when I notice changes in light intensities because I think they are like people or owls or some **** for a second or two.
4. I think I am making everything up... like everything I am is a lie. It is as if I am living a fake life to fulfil some purpose that I do not know of yet or have caused myself to forget because that would interfere with the achievement of the evil goal.
5. I often feel that my parents are simply trying to control me by putting me in financial traps such as getting me to buy a new car a few months ago - this one is completely plausible and likely.

I'll be seeing a psychologist in 2.5 weeks to get evaluated and get some therapy. I'd been rather resistant to treatment but my psychiatrist won't see me unless I do therapy now and I guess this email has made me realize how sad I am making my parents. I feel guilty for doing this to them at 24 years of age.

I'd like to get a heads up on what to expect based on the concerns listed above. I feel kind of unhinged and scared. I know the internet is no place for diagnosis but I want to know what's wrong with me, if anything and if I actually need help at all. I want to prepare myself, I guess.