Those of you who have read a lot of my posts know that fundamentally, all of the despair and hopelessness I feel do not originate from any significant real-world fallout from my psych hospital experience, but rather from my own fears of how people could view me in light of that event, and what very negative consequences could happen as a result.

Could. Could. Could!

All hypotheticals - nothing HAS happened that is so dire and dramatic. In many ways, my life is better. I still maintain, because of my feelings about how this went down, that my life is better in spite of, not because of, what happened. But, it happened. It was a very traumatic event, hence the fact that I focus mainly on it, and it is the object of my PTSD-ing adventure.

But, in the past few days, I have been having A LOT of success with a technique called "thought blocking" -- the second a negative thought comes to mind, I simply "block it out" -- which is a weird, visceral feeling, because it feels like there is literally a physical place in my brain, kind of behind my right eye, that the ability to "block" stems from, and I even shut my eyes and cock my head to the right, involuntarily, as if I were doing some strenuous physical tast. Weird, huh. But, who cares if it works.

Finally, my triathlon training program started, I'm psyched about it, it is an immensely cool thing, and a great supportive group environment. And tougher than Hell!!!! The hardest physical challenge in my life, and it will also prep my for the ultimate goal, which is Alpha.

A lot of new friends with a common interest - especially the cycling guys, I have been in nirvana with that, I found a whole group of guys seriously into cycling bling like me, we talk the same language and already have plans for group workouts. Just exactly what I need. The program also added a minimum of 6 1-2 hour workouts to my regular program, those have the added benefit of leaving me "dead-dog tired" (a phrase I picked up from a friend who grew up in Appalachia, she has a million of them, they are hillarious and so apt to many situations). Yup, not just tired, "dead-dog tired" - can't wait to hit the bed at night, I've just been turning on the fireplace, leaving on the aquarium lights, for ambience, and contemplating how GOOD my life is as I lay there and fall asleep. Which doesn't take long, and I am finding instead of the restless sleep I was getting before, I am so tired I am dead to the world until the alarm or a dog desperate to go out wake me up.

See, here is the bottom line. This experience made me feel dehumanized, unworthy of anything I have, and hopeless, which is the worst feeling of all. Hopeless is profoundly sad, something no one should ever have to feel. I have been contemplating suicide in quite vivid detail, because I have been unable to deal with how I felt about all of this, unable to let it go, and still filled with terror that it will destroy me. But, it hasn't. If it hasn't in 17 months, going to be 18 months in little over a week it is pretty unlikely to do so.

My therapist said something really significant to me the other day, which was great- "get over yourself". Which is exactly what I need to do. Thought blocking is helping with that, a lot.

I'm going to die now -- well, not really, but the Sunday workout is a 1500 meter swim followed by 5K of treadmill interval sprints - it's only going to feel like I'm dead when that is over.