Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I think you are right buddha, the path of least resistance would be best. I definitely need to live alone.

Some of you have seen my posts about my GF whom I live with. I can not stress enough that this woman has been though a lot. I have rages (which I am not sure are a part of M-D or some other undiagnosed ailment) that have really taken their toll on her. When a rage is triggered, I become someone, something, else. I yell in her face, I scream, storm around the apartment. I am verbally abusive, I throw and hit things. I am a mean, angry, nasty mother-@#$%er. After the rage is over I am horrified at what I have done, but it does not change the fact that it happened and that the GF was in the middle of it all. After four years of it, I feel she is far past her breaking point.

Today, I was looking for a therapist and psychiatrist. I had not been going due to money concerns, but now that I have the new job I want to go weekly to a therapist and at least monthly to a psychiatrist. The GF told me about a website which was very helpful. I thanked her for it and continued my search, telling my plans as I came across profiles of those that I liked. The GF got more and more upset, saying what I must do, who I must see. I understood where she was coming from, but my treatment must be between me and my treatment team, who I was selecting. She just went off, saying I did not care what she went though, saying I was picking "********" councilors so I "didn't have to do anything" and stay the way I was. I tried to consul her, show her that was not my intention at all, but she continued to spiral out of control to the point of throwing tissue boxes across the room. It was then I said I had to live alone. If simply finding help was going to introduce drama into my life, I had to get rid of it. I am very sorry for what she has gone though. If I could take it all back, never invite her into my crazy world and save her the pain, I would. But what is done is done. I have done my damage. If we stay together the cycle will continue. It has to end now.

She, of course, is very upset right now. But this time I must stay firm, for both our sakes. She might want to stay around for the "good" me, but the "bad" me is destroying her. It might hurt to let this all go, but I know it is for the best.