I have been diagnosed Bipolar 1 with agoraphobia, social anxiety and I am sure there is much more. There was something wrong with me from the time I was 12, lots of unsafe behavior, lots of anger. Might have seemed like a regular teen if I was with a new boy every night and experiementing with drugs just to find on that made me feel normal. The panic attacks just added to the fire and I had no idea what was going on, thought I had my dads temper and need to be loved. I mean that is why you sleep with complete strangers. I married at 24 because I thought it was time, not because I was in love. That ended when I met a wonderful man online in a game. We met and have been together for 13 years now. I swear he is like an angel, so tolerant of my broken brain 99% of the time.

The medications seemed to be working but I admit I don't take them like that I should. Heck right now I am sitting here writing this while I drink a bottle of wine.

Everything is making me unhappy. I can not find anything to do that might give me some enjoyment. I had my MMORPG's but those things are no longer holding an interest for me and the few friends I made were fair weather friends, which with me is honestly all I can handle. I do get so lonely. It's painful but I have going to be 45 this year and have no idea how to make friends or who would tolerate me.

I am so lost, my sex life has gone to **** because of medications. My weight is out of control and I have no energy right now to find something that will make a difference, tired of the med changes. The only thing that ever made me feel close to a human being was MaryJane and my shrink refuses to subscribe it..

So ya that's my intro, sorry it is what it is...