I don't even remember how we'd gotten onto this topic, but somehow I found myself telling my T about a super traumatic thing that happened a couple years ago when I was 16.

I'd been feeling suicidal and I told my dad that, and when he completely ignored me and told me to get out of his office and leave him alone so he could get some work done, I got really hysterical and couldn't stop crying because I just really wanted him to hear me and be there for me and understand me. Which he did not want to do, so he told me he was going to have to take me to the hospital, which I was terrified of and did not want to do (I was really sick when I was a little kid and in and out of the hospital a lot for blood/platelet transfusions and am terrified of needles as a result).

So his solution was to call the police and have them take me to the hospital, which was even MORE terrifying because I was a 16 year old kid and here were three really big men telling me that if I didn't come with them they were going to MAKE me come with them (this fear probably originates from the fact that my mother and stepfather physically abused me for many years, and as a result I don't like people putting their hands on me, especially if I don't know them).

So naturally I did not want to go with them and one of them put handcuffs on me and they pretty much carried me to the police car and took me to the hospital. By which time I was having a major panic attack and was having a lot of difficulty breathing and could not stop crying. By that point I was just acting like a five year old and spent literally six or seven hours sobbing hysterically and asking everyone I saw for hugs and asking them if I could call my mother, to which everyone said no, and I had to stay overnight because it was 10:00 and the doctor wouldn't be there until the next morning, and they gave me a couple of needles which were terrifying, and I was pacing around the room I was in and the nurse that was there said if I didn't sit down on the bed she would put me in restraints, and it was literally the most terrifying night of my life.

And in the morning when they finally let me call my mother, she came, but she accused me of only calling her to get attention or to manipulate the doctors into letting me go home and told me that if this ever happened again not to call her next time.

And for some reason I told all this to my T and she was super, super supportive of me and said she was really sad for me that I'd gone through that and that other people hadn't helped me or "seen" me in that moment in the way I needed to be seen. And that to me felt like a really, really good response that made me feel like this huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I never shared that with ANYONE before except my ex-T who thought my dad had done the right thing and I should have just calmed myself down and dealt with it (this was probably why I stopped seeing that T shortly thereafter).

But I feel like that is probably when I identified my T as this super safe person in my life and then started feeling really attached to her...which I guess is maybe normal, all things considered? We've been working together for six months, probably only started working WELL together in terms of trust two or three months ago, and the feeling of attachment didn't really start until this happened...