Besides the one I was in last January/February, my other mixed states have been triggered by antidepressants. Twice by celexa and once by Prozac. I agree with you, worst times of my life. I was hospitalized each time. It was all the energy of mania with the thoughts of depression. I was literally crawling out of my skin. I felt like I could not relax unless I was taking massive amounts of klonopin or Benadryl. I took Benadryl once the klonopin ran out and the doc refused to prescribe more. It was hell. The tiniest thing would cause me to scream in a rage, throw things, hit my husband. I also self injured.

In a depression I usually desperately WANT to die but I am too tired to actually carry through. I also have some semblance of sense left when depressed - I know that dying would hurt everyone around me irreparably, so I carry on and try to pull myself out. But in a mixed state, all impulse control is gone. I have so much energy that I have no ability to think before I cut myself. I literally became afraid for my life each time. I was driving my car once and it became so real to me, how easy it would be to just speed up and ram my car into an overpass. That's when I begged for help from my pdoc. The last time it progressed to the point of believing that another entity was implanting thoughts in my brain, telling me to kill myself. I felt I was unable to stop myself from overdosing on my medication. I asked my mom to take me to the ER after my pdoc refused to see me.

Worst thing ever...it's what keeps me on my meds and keeps me from messing around with ADs. I love hypomania and even mania, but there's always the chance it could turn mixed, and I may not be so lucky next time. I can't leave my family behind.

Welcome, I hope we are able to help.