I don't know the answer, but I immediately thought of a good exercise for you.

This forum is a safe environment and most people who would read what you have to say have been there done that on some level. So it is safe to just express yourself without injecting "I know this sounds crazy" bits. That alone would allow you to be with your feelings. Currently, you are partially experiencing feelings and partially acting as a judge of those feelings. Drop the role of a judge and that alone will make an improvement.