I'm sorry you are hurting. :c that must be really hard considering your feelings for her and the level of vulnerability you allowed for.

However, I think this is a good opportunity for you to find someone who really understands your issues better. To learn from being vulnerable, you need a good, open, supportive and empathetic therapeutic relationship. Have you read anything about (for example) C-PTSD? Anyway I know how hard it is but in the end it sounds like more than a CBT problem. You are most likely reliving coping mechanisms you developed in your childhood to deal with the stressful world without a proper level of support, validation, protection and guidance. Maybe it is time to find a T who can understand those needs and focus on them to help you learn better ways to cope.

Just some thoughts. Sorry if this is off base. This must be so frustrating. Sending big hugs to you