hey. i'm not sure what you recanted, but i'm fairly sure that your t won't be mad or disappointed.

things can be confusing. hard to seperate dreamings from imaginings from rememberings...

a couple weeks after i was hospitalised (the first time) i said i heard voices. i thought it was that i got up the courage to talk about them. i'd mentioned them to a GP before but after she established that they don't command me to do things she told me not to worry about it. they gave me anti-psychotics in the hospital, though. but nothing seemed to work for them. and clinicians started to look dubious about my hearing voices.

i terminated a p-doc because he said they were pseudo-hallucinations. i thought that meant that he thought i was faking / lying about them.

a year or so later... i had a break from therapy to attend a residential program in another city... when i went back to my t... trying to persuade her to help me and that i could be helped even though i got kicked out of the treatment program. i told her that i didn't hear voices after all. i said that i'd lied about them.

and at the time... i thought i had lied about them...

but then... a couple weeks later... the voices came back.

i still have times when i think i've made the whole thing up. that i never really did hear them. that i was just imaginging the whole thing. i get scared that people will terminate me if they think i've made the whole thing up.

will my current t terminate me if he thinks i don't have DID?

i don't know.

i haven't exactly told him that half the time i am afraid i'm making the whole thing up. but i have told him that nothing really happened to me.

but then i do have these flashes like flashbulb memories. i'm fairly sure that some of them never ever ever happened to me. could be scenes from a movie or from a dream or vivid imaginings. i don't know.

there are some people who think - and i agree with them - that veridicality (matching of 'remembering' to actual events) isn't terribly relevant. therapy is about helping you come to terms with you and your experiences and the way your experiences affect you now. it is a side issue whether your experiences are veridical or not. point is they affect you.

maybe...

it could help therapy along to focus on your experiences rather than on events?

i think part of what can be hard is this attitude that some therapists / clients have that events must have been severe. they simply must have been because that is the only explanation for why things aren't so good for you now. the only other option seems to be that it is all because of something deeply wrong with you.

but events don't need to be of 'objective sickening severity' for people to be deeply effected.

don't know if this helps.
don't even know if it is relevant...