Sunrise. This is the first time that I've "let" myself direct my anger toward T. yesterday I felt really bad for the rest of the day because I felt maybe I had harmed T in someway, or been mean after all the dedication she has put in for me. But then those are the old tapes that were always thrown at me as a child, messages like I'm ungrateful, that I am hurting my adoptive mother, blah blah blah.

I nearly emailed T and said I can't do this anymore incase I hurt her, but my adult mind reasured me that this is the therapy process. That T knows this is stuff that isn't so much about me and her as more the past coming out into the now because I must feel she is safe enought to handle my anger.

I'd always thought that I fantasied T was my "perfect" mother so that I could get all the love and caring I missed out on growin up. Now I see I also have a need to have her and the "bad" mother so I can finally express all my pain and anger that is festering inside. That has been a big eye opener.

I just feel inside that at last my anger and fears and desperation can be heard safely and acknowledged and finally let go off.

Its amazing to me the needs we have for people in our lifes to help us play out our "dramas".