I was diagnosed as bipolar 20 years ago and have spent the last 20 years in denial. I've been in and out of therapy and off and on medicine.

Tomorrow I start with a new therapist because frankly I feel like I am loosing it! I am depressed but acting irrational and my friend says I'm being paranoid. So am I up? or down? or both? or is this not even bipolar???? I don't know and I don't care what you call it. I just know that I am miserable. I can't sleep, I'm not eating and I'm barely functioning in my daily life. I rarely drink but I've had a lot tonight. I haven't done drugs in decades yet I'm begging a friend to give me some.

I can't even write in this forum what is going on because I am petrified that my ex therapist will be on here reading. I can logically say that the odds of this are very low but I am just terrified that someone is going to figure out that I am a loon. OR what if my husband has a key logger on my computer??? or what if we get divorced some day and this account gets tied back to me?????

I really feel like I am going crazy and I honestly don't know what to do. One friend told me to start exercising because it would help with my intense emotions and a 2nd person told me to go buy some herbs.

I have a long history with my EX therapist (we are now friends) and we text all the time. I texted her about how I bad I was doing and she didn't even respond. Does that mean she is tired of me??????

I've been reading about borderline and Ive started wondering if that defines me too. I"m a mess!

AND here's the topper.... what if I do actually hit the submit button on this post. I doubt many, if any,, will respond. Why would you. You don't know me and never will. AND even if you did know who I was, would you care? Probably not.

What I would really like to do is be Forrest Gump... Just start running and never stop. I'm not going to ... that's just what I want to do.