Turns out there was an effortless reconnection between my T and I after a month of no sessions. Meaning I felt like she still cared and wasn't dreading seeing me...She actually showed a lot of happiness for all of my successes in the past month.
The problem...
I tried talking about my transference (or maybe real feelings. I'm honestly not sure) towards her. Because I'm human...I genuinely do love her and care for her because we have been through one hell of a year together. And unfortunately I have received special treatment many times. So normal human emotions aside...I am way too attached. I admitted all of this to her today...that this is the reason I took a month off, for myself. She agreed that it was a good idea but also a bad one because I still need to take care of myself and continue therapy, as I am struggling big time right now. She was not at all receptive to these feelings...She, right away (AGAIN), jumped the gun and suggested trying another therapist since this seems harmful to me. I got so mad. And felt so hurt. I finally lost it and flipped out on her. I asked her why the hell we couldn't just work through these issues together. That I should be able to be completely open and honest about everything, including feelings towards her. We should be able to work as a team to get through it and hopefully achieve a stronger relationship in the end. I told her it made me feel horrible that she wants to dump me on to the next person whenever things get too "real" for her. I also said I will have the same issues with any other T that makes me feel safe, comfortable, and trust.
I suffered from SI big time in December. She knows this. This whole month, not seeing her, suicidal feelings began to fade until they were not there anymore. I saw her tonight and came home feeling suicidal. Do I fear abandonment that terribly? I hate this feeling! Whatever it is! I feel like she is no longer my safe-haven and that I don't even want to go on anymore if that's the case. I can't imagine life without her in it. I only got through this month knowing I can go back at any time or call/text if I needed. To have it not be my decision? I can't handle it. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to pull myself together right now.