hi everyone

i've came here many times on 'silent mode', mostly reading insight-full threads that would give some clues regarding my directions and problems of myself and my life. However not wanting to be the person i am means a big change that even with small steps seems to get harder as time goes by.

now i will talk about my condition, i hope not make it too long, and i'll try to provide better and relevant info in order for people to help me figure this out, for that i thank you in advance for your time.

This mostly cause i cannot stop these cycles that persuade me to start over again (it starts by trying to be a better person, have a better life and relationship with people close to me). This whole cycle is very complex and the way it ends is explained in daily non threads on this forum. My personal acknowledgement is that i just start deliberately to 'give up' on everything as the motivation weaken and stress escalate. The very things i've fight hard for (once again) are not the ones i want anymore by this time. The people starts to get really feed up with me, reasonably, since the situation happens over and over.

Also i recognise myself as a very good planner but a mediocre do-er, but how do i always end up with the very same feelings of nothingness and 'destroy' everything i worked for and alienate everyone that is around me?

These cycles are having a smaller time-span, due to recognising them i actually improved some stuff and was able to do some 'damage control', mostly in order to not hurt more the same people.