Jinny and Snowflake,

I very much have felt the same way - bottomless loneliness and like I was never loved enough. I hope this doesn't sound weird but many years ago when I was feeling this way and trying to find my way out of the blackness and total misery I was in, I happened to wrap my arms around myself and give myself a big hug. I was not even aware of what I was doing at first. It was a time when I was coming to the realization that although in HER way, my mother loved me as best she could, for ME I had never felt any real love or acceptance from my mother. (That has never changed.)

That evening as I lay in bed very, very, very depressed, feeling like I had this large black hole inside me, I think now, was one of many small steps on my way back to better mental health. As I realized I was hugging myself and it felt good, it also occured to me that I could do my best to love and "mother" myself now as an adult. My own mother would never be capable of it, and I could not expect to have anyone else love me that way.

I had many bad relationships with men, and two failed marriages. As I look back now I see that it was because I was trying to get from those relationships that which I never got as a chid, love and acceptance. I had to fill that black hole up inside me, with my love and acceptance of me. No one else could do that. But now over 20 years later I am in a very happy marriage to a NICE man. And somewhere along the line, and along with lots of therapy, with medication, with self help books, with group support meetings, etc. etc That black hole is gone.

I still have bouts of depression and bad times. My life is not perfect at all. But not having those awful feelings of loneliness and emptiness has been worth the looooooong painful slog. And worth my continuing journey with dealing with chronic major depression, along with other health problems.

Like I read in many other's comments here, this too shall pass. One thing I can count on is change. Change of my feelings especially. So hang in there and be good to yourself. Don't get down on yourself because of how you feel. It's okay. Even if everyone around you makes you feel like a burden. You are doing and feeling what you have to to get better. You, like the rest of us here, will probabley always have ups and downs (more if you are in fact bipolar ) but at least you know you will feel better again, time and time again. I hope the up comes back for you soon. (((Jinny)))