down. back to where i was. feel like si-ing. feel like just disappearing from the surface of the earth. i couldn't handle the feelings at work today so i went to hide myself in the toilet and cried. this is just frustrating.

sometimes when my friend says "i want to kill myself" in such a jovial tone and not a serious manner, i feel like shouting, you sure you want to kill yourself? you sure you want to feel this way everyday? to be at war with yourself? to keep smiling while inside of you is just constantly telling yourself to just attempt it? or even worse, really attempting it and failing? and thereafter you have to face the backlash from yourself for failing a sui attempt? YOU SURE YOU WANT THAT?

but nope i'm too amicable so i just keep quiet.