30 years is a long time. PTSD has a grip that is strong. I am unable to concentrate on your post very well, are you also in psychotherapy?

I do not wish to make it sound like I am minimalizing your feared scenario... but for all you have been through, 9 days of hell should not stop you from another attempt at getting better.

sorry if I've not been enough help. I'm quite depressed myself.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>