Main T has let me use him as that comforting figure. It is hard when you can't think of someone. Is your T ok with thinking of her as that person?

Sounds like you are in a painful place and I wish I knew what to say. I feel like I've been in that kind of pain and it did get better.

I still use imagery of both T's taking care of me to help me feel better when sad, stressed etc. Sometimes I feel silly doing it but I've found it to be helpful.