Kilroy, at this risk of upsetting my friends here, what you're describing sounds fairly typical according to my own experience and that of another support group I belong to, for spouses/significant others of people with depression.

There is obviously a lot more to your situation than you're able to describe in your first post, but I just want you to know that you're not alone - I can relate to everything you're saying (except peeing on the seat).

You might have more luck finding others to relate in the Caregiver's forum. Additionally, I'd like to recommend a book: "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed" but Anne Sheffield.

Are you also depressed, as your wife accuses? Well, maybe not, but then again I wouldn't be surprised -- and why wouldn't you be? It's incredibly stressful to live life as you are. Anne Sheffield describes the syndrome as "Depression Fallout", with five stages: Confusion, Self-Doubt, Demoralization, Anger, and Desire to Escape.

I've been in your shoes, but I've also seen the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband was severely depressed for several years (didn't/couldn't work, rarely left the house, perpetually angry/crying/sleeping). However, with the support of my friends here at PC, in my other support group, some resources like the book mentioned, and wonderful mental health providers, his depression is largely under control. We still have bad days, but he's definitely out of the rut.

What really helped me the most was getting on some anti-anxiety medication for myself. I only took it for a few months, but if I ever see him slipping back into depression, I'm heading straight for the pharmacy for my refill. I did all of the other things that the experts advise - exercise, socialize, meditate, seek support for myself, put my own oxygen mask on first, etc.... I did all of those things, but when there is a dark cloud hanging over your house day after day, those suggestions almost sound trite, as though coming from someone who doesn't have to live with it. That being said, though, once I got some medication for myself, doing those other things actually helped quite a bit -- it's just that I couldn't silence the noise enough to effectively participate in those relaxation techniques.

My heart goes out to you - I hope you get the support you need here. PM me anytime.