Quote:
Originally Posted by Harley47
Hi Agatha. I hope I can be of some help.
Hamster is absolutely correct when she says your mother wronged you. It was a disgusting failure on her part as a mother to not only dismiss your claim as she did, but to blame you? That's wrong, on many different levels. She should have been supportive of you, and helped you when you needed it...she failed you in her reaction. I am sorry for that. 
Additionally...while I wish I had more practical advice to offer, I have to say...I am so sorry about that "friend" of yours. For him to do that is beyond forgiveness. I hope karma is swift and brutal...that's about the most PC appropriate thing I can say towards him.
Speaking practically, there's a couple of points I'd like to address. Speaking to the sex itself, I think you're using it as a bit of a security blanket...you seem, based on your post, to seek sex when when things are at a low. That, of course, brings us to a double edged sword...you seek sex for security, but dislike the action itself. That creates a bit of a vicious circle. The key here, I think, is discovering and working past why you seek sex when things aren't going well. Do you have any idea why that would be? What about sex makes it something you seek when you're feeling down? If I may guess...it sounds to me like you seek sex as a substitution for familial love, as based on your post, it sounds like there's a correlation between how you and your family are getting along and your sexual activity. Do you think that's a correct observation?
But I would say this as well...your family's reaction to you having sex is entirely wrong. Granted, I would understand if they were concerned over your rationale behind it...that would make sense to me. But you're an adult woman. You've zero obligation to inform your mother over your sex life...it is none of her business. Sex should be an informed decision between you and a partner whom you love and respect...and at that, a private decision. There is no guilt to be had Agatha...you've no need to tell your mother about it. There is nothing wrong with sex, provided your heart and feelings are in the right place. You've done nothing wrong.  Please don't feel that way.
I hope that you'll be able to work past this. I hope that in time, sex will become a meaningful and special event for you that it deserves to be. But please, know at least that you've done nothing wrong. Not in the slightest. If you take nothing else away from this, do take that. There's no need to be ashamed.
If I can do anything for you at all, please feel free to PM me.
Many hugs,
Harley |
I wouldn't feel this way if I haven't had sex for all the wrong reasons. I don't feel this way towards the only guy I loved and I can say that having sex with him was amazing. I don't regret it and I don't feel like it was as dirty as the other things I have done.
I believe I had to say all of this because I did it just to upset my mother or because I thougth I was smarter than her. Because she made me feel dirty then and I wanted her to notice how much her accusations had affected me. But this time, I had to tell her because I felt bad for wanting to hurt her. And so I told her. I apologized for trying to hurt her by doing these things, not exactly for what I did.
I also believe I'm a little like an animal. When hurt or threatened I always react instinctly, not rationally. Look at how dogs react when they are stressed. They seem to be aroused, but they are actually scared. And that's what happens to me. And as an only child, spoiled and overprotected, I can't say no to myself and need to find a way out of my mom's overprotection. This all leads to sex.
And yes, I still feel a little dirty, but not because I have had sex without "permission", but because of the reasons why I did it. It's weird, but I also believe in true love, in finding the one who will love my soul before my body.
I guess I needed to confess in order to seek redemption. My mom has been so understanding, acting like nothing ever happened, telling me that it's all right, that I just have to stop hurting myself and even encouraging me to go back to school and finish my master... It has been really difficult. I am used to being yelled at, to being told to leave the house and to being accused of such bad things, that I feel even worse now that she is so nice...
But this kind of guilt I can live with. This is the kind that makes me want to be a better person, the kind that brings hope of better things coming my way.
Thank you, really. As for my friend... It's strange, but it was really easy for me to forgive him. Maybe because I always knew I had been a victim and never, not for one second, did I feel like I had done something wrong. Unlike when the other man touched me, when I felt guilty of enjoying the sensations he awakened in me, when I knew I was too young to feel sexually aroused or when he was too old for me. I don't know.
But one thing I have for sure and it's that now I hate myself for making the wrong decissions, for being unable to forgive what was just a terrible mistake my mother did, and worst of all, for using myself as a weapon that just backfired on me.
So, my task now will be to forgive myself. Everyone else is forgiven. The one person I couldn't forgive was my mother, but so many things have happened in the last years, that I have had this incredible mother I love with all my heart. And now it's time for me to change, to stop trying to punish everyone I think that has hurt me, starting with myself.
I don't know if prayer really works, but it worked for me, and not for the first time. Ir has brought such clarity, that I can finally see that nowadays, my anger is towards myself. And forgiving myself won't be as easy ad forgiving other people, but I want to believe I will be fine.
Thank you again for your words. You confirm what I think about sex with a person that really deserves my love and respect.