Okay, so I wrote a list where I put some reasons why my T might not be the best for me... But when I read this list, it looks
1) too long - I won't remember everything what is there and it would be very weird to read it loudly to another T
2) like I really exaggerate everything because there is no good reason in it, my t didn't say or do anything inappropriate so I think that if I bring it to "new" T, she'll think that I'm crazy and I blame my T for everything...

Maybe you could have some ideas how to shorten the list, what to delete and if there is actually any good point? (sorry it's pretty long)

1) What I wrote in the mail and that he confirmed that he really thinks so (see my most triggering thread)

2) I wanted to ask my T about his rules/boundaries of the contact between sessions but he didn't want to address my concerns... So I asked him directly if I can send him an e-mail in between if I feel like in emergency and he responded "are you really dumb that you cannot get this that I won't answer your questions?!" I was really close to leave... Then we started arguing and eventually he said "no, I won't argue with you for 50 minutes, that's not how I work, if you don't like my approach, just..." (I'm not sure if he actually has finished the sentence). Eventually we agreed that I have problems with trusting people but he said that he won't do anything with it because he won't reassure me all the time that he's safe and the session is safe (actually he has never said that before).

3) He knew that I struggled a lot with time between sessions but he said that he cannot do anything with it and I have to find a method for dealing with this time by myself. Thus, in next session I told him that I had joined a supportive forum which really helps me but he said that I shouldn’t use it because it’s rubbish. I thought that it was a strong opinion so I asked him about it but he said “you pay me 250 per session – do you really want to waste 15 minutes on talking about it?”

4) At the second session when I mentioned something about csa, he didn’t address it anyhow but at the end of the session he said “when you were talking about it I was feeling sick”. At next session I brought it up and said that I can understand it as it’s me who makes him feeling sick and that might prevent me from saying certain things. He agreed that this is true and that probably in the future he will again feel sick because of me but it will be his problem if he throws up in his office.

5) My T knew that I’d spend 2-week Xmas break at home where I’d meet at least 3 of my abusers, and that my parent are like a “safe base” and I have a great relationship with them… Thus, 3 sessions before Xmas break he spent on trying to convince me that everything was my parents fault as they didn’t manage to protect me and that they neglected me etc. He didn’t allow me to say anything against it as he was giving me a lecture about it till the time of the session was over – that made Xmas break a bit more difficult. After the break I addressed that at the session and said that even if he thought so why would he tell me that just before the break. He said that it is not like that that Ts think about the impact of their words on a client – he just says what he thinks but it doesn’t necessarily have to be what I want to hear…

6) On Friday – just before the Xmas break, I went for the session but he was not there and the office was closed. I checked in my notes and the date was correct so I sent him an e-mail that we were supposed to have a session. He responded “no, this year we had sessions on xx and yy and from next year we’ll have on aa and bb”. Only two out of six sessions took place at dates which he mentioned and probably it was just a misunderstanding but as I am a control freak, a week earlier I had read him all dates with the meetings and he had said “right” which I had taken as a confirmation. I wrote him this in the e-mail and he responded “I’m sorry for not being clear enough, best wishes.” I could say at the same tone “I’m sorry for not asking for a confirmation twice” – he could have just said “sorry for a misunderstanding” but I felt like he blamed me. When I mentioned that after the break, he said “I know you would be much better therapist than I” and whatever I was saying at this session, he was repeating this sentence, he just couldn’t let it go. Eventually I had to say “yes I would be much better T for myself as I know my needs, expectations and what I want to hear but if I was so great T, I wouldn’t need you”. Fortunately it satisfied him and we could have moved on…

7) Once I said that I don’t feel his empathy (due to above reasons) but he said that it is not true but I am not looking for the empathy but for the pity and he won’t give me that.

8) Last week I said that when I bring something up in order to improve our communication, he becomes very defensive (I wanted to say “aggressive” but I didn’t dare). He said that he had realized that I want to change the place and become his T and talk about him and his reactions but it’s my therapy not his and I should focus on me and we won’t discuss what happens when I bring sth up because that’s not the point.

9) I’ve already learned about which topics he doesn’t want to talk and which topics annoy and irritate him. Thus, I know which topics I should avoid if I don’t want to argue with him, be outtalked, listening to his raised voice etc. and I choose topics in which he feels comfortable so that the sessions can be fruitful…