i know i have no right to post so am not expecting any response. just want to get stuff out cos otherwise im going to lose it.
been journaling some today and halfway through i started to feel so nauseous i had to fight hard not to throw up. i cant sit still in class any more. just feel like im writhing inside trying to run. have had pins and needles down my right arm for days now and today it spread to my left too.
having a lot of trouble focusing and breathing and feel dizzy and disconnected. like im under water. i keep jumping and flinching all the time. i cant keep this up.
started to read stuff this evening online half way through a binge and suddenly couldnt keep it down. threw up not like normal but uncontrollably.
i cant get these thoughts out of my head. am totally obsessing. they re hammering and hammering and hammering. they re there all the time. standing at the bus stop and all of a sudden my eyes focus and i realise where ive been in my head and want to die. or walking through college. even sitting in lectures. i cant listen to the tutors. i cant hold conversations. half the time inside is screaming to cut, to die and i sit smiling while im seeing or thinking about these ... god these thoughts in my head.
how do i make this stop? its like ive opened something and its taking me away. i feel like a shell being eaten from the inside by this. i just want to smash the shell and let it all out and i cant. i cant i cant i cant. im trying so hard to stay together.
i dont know about going back to my T. i cant talk about whats going on in my head. not possible. not without a LOT of alcohol at least and i cant stand her there wanting me to talk and wanting to help and not knowing that she cant because i wont let her because shes too nice. i am utterly incapable of introducing this into her space thats so clean.
i cant ask for help because i cant accept it and nobody understands how much i dont deserve it. i cant keep going. i cant stop. i dont know where to go or what to do. i need a constant drug induced haze. i need to get out of my life. i dont care what goes on around me as long as im not here inside myself. but i cant hurt people so i have to be successful. i cant bow out because i owe people and people blindly care and i cant hurt them.
im afraid to cut. i feel so sick and my arms feel so awful. they wont rest.