See a therapist. They can help you with the torment and pain. Yes, it will mean opening up to someone and trusting them, but it is so important that you get help. What happened to you was terrifying and horrible, and you have every right to feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and all the other emotions you must be feeling. It's time to get help from someone who knows how to handle trauma and can guide through to real and lasting healing.