T,
Not sure why you put up with me. Anyway, I'm really sorry for being so childish again. I know I'm reverting to negative attention-getting behaviors. Because that's what's always worked for me. I know I need to be more open with you. I bet it's horrible for you to sit there and not have me say anything. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk just because it's something I have trouble with, but a lot of the time I honestly don't know what to say. It's hard to identify my emotions, it's hard to tell if I'm willing, it's hard to tell if I'm in love with you and if that's really what's getting in the way. Maybe you and other T can talk together? Maybe that would somehow help? I WANT to get better T. I really really do. There were times when I didn't, but those are long behind us. I WANT to feel good. What is the difference between wanting something and being willing to work for it? I want to be willing. Does that make sense? I know I'm just rambling T. I'm just I screwed up....again. Because I basically yelled at you yesterday, and then wrote a nasty-ish email. I don't know. Was I mean? Does it just feel like I was? I like you T. I like you a lot. I don't want to ruin this relationship. Because you are helpful. You do know what to say. Even when it's not what I want to hear. Like yesterday, I didn't want to hear that every week for the past year, there hasn't been a week when you haven't heard me whine, when you haven't heard my horrible negative unwilling attitude. That made me sad. Because I want you to just say "I care about you and you are wonderful." But I know that won't really help things T. You say what needs to be said. Sometimes I do too, but it's something I need to work on. Talking with you, being honest with you. I'm mad at myself for seeing you twice this week. I thought we were working on that? But I still want to see you all the time T. I'm not sure the point of this blabber, T. Sorry. I hope you're not mad at me. I know, you don't invest such energy in feelings like that about your clients, but clearly I think a lot about what I assume you think. Which I guess I shouldn't. It's not helpful, is it? T, please don't give up on me. I am trying. Do you believe that? I am trying so hard.