Hi everyone,

My name is Ronni and I am new to this board. I hope no one minds if I jump right into a discussion, but I have some questions about OCD & Anxiety that I would really appreciate some feedback on.

Please allow me to share a little of my background: I am 18 years old and living with my mother and grandmother, both of whom are disabled. For several months now I have been having some suspicions about the possibility that I may be suffering from OCD and/or Anxiety. My symptoms are by no means new--in fact, I cannot remember a time when I have not felt the need to perform certain 'rituals' to keep bad things from happening. I've always known that this wasn't normal, but I guess I never had a name for it until now. I remember first reading about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in a teen magazine, of all things. There was an article about a girl who suffered from severe OCD and had to do things like checking the stove every night to make sure it wasn't on, and had to be out of hearing range when a car started because the noise freaked her out, things like that. I remember being scared, and thinking that her symptoms sounded a lot like my 'rituals' that I did regularly. I was worried about coming clean with my parents, that they might think I was crazy. And I wasn't certain that I even had OCD, and didn't want to start a fuss over nothing. Therefore, I didn't say anything. That was all a few years ago. Now that I am older, I would like to find out more information about the condition and, if I have it, treatment options. But I'll come back to that later.

Here are some of my symptoms. From what I have read thus far (and I admit to having limited resources due to the small, rural area I live in), many of them sound a lot like OCD. Example: having to do things (such as crunches or washing my face) in a sequence of numbers (3, 7, 11, 17 and so on). Having an aversion to certain colours and/or words (such as "yellow"--I don't like to see it or read it, so it is with some difficulty that I write it here. "Thick" and "Moist" are also 'bad' words). Having to repeat certain words under my breath (I'd say them out loud, but people would look at me weird). Having to touch certain things, usually in a numerical sequence. Having to check things over and over, because I am so worried that I made a mistake, or (with writing) that somehow I temporarly lost control of myself and said something horrible, and don't remember it. Worried that I might (again) lose control and attack someone or something, for no appearent reason (which is very weird, because I am not a violent person. I'm usually quite cheerful). Backing out the car is no fun at all, because I have to keep checking that I haven't run something over (I'm especially concerned about my cats).

These aren't all of my symptoms, but you get the idea. Really not normal, I guess. Sometimes I get what feel like some sort of panic attacks--I become very nervous, my heart starts pounding, I get dizzy and see bright 'pulses' of white light, I start to shake and I feel like I can't breathe. My EKG results have turned out to be normal, so I assume it's not related to organ failure. But it really becomes a bother sometimes. I can never tell when it's going to happen (although crowded places are a favourite target). Arg.

I admit trying to ignore these symptoms for so many years, hoping that they would go away, or that simply I would learn to live with them. But lately, they seem to be getting worse. Because my parents are physically disabled, quite a bit of responsibility is shouldered on me, so it can get very difficult sometimes, you know? I don't want to complain, but I am at a loss as to what to do. My doctor doesn't seem to think I have a problem, that "anxiety is normal" at my age. I feel helpless that he won't take me seriously, and because I am at a financial disadvantage, my insurance is making it hard to switch doctors. I also have to added concern about college coming up, and I am not certain how my symptoms will react to this new environment (I've been homeschooled for many years, so having classmates will be a renewed experience for me).

So, I guess my main questions are: does it sound like I am suffering from OCD and/or Anxiety? Now, I'm not looking for an online diagnosis, but I would really like to hear your personal opinions about my concerns. I am wondering about what I might do about my doctor, and what treatments might help. I really would prefer not to take pill if I could avoid it (I have a great fear about large pills....choking experience left me scarred for life...), but I really want to get better. I am also wondering about how to break the news to my family if I do have OCD. I've already told my mother about my suspicions and she supports me 100%, but my grandmother seems to think that it's a joke. She (my grandmother) considers OCD to be a form of 'laziness', due to the fact that my great-aunt suffered from the same illness (she was an obsessive horder and couldn't throw anything away). Is it possible that it runs in families?

So, if anyone has any opinions or advice for me, I would be ever so grateful. I hope I have I haven't smothered any of you with my problems, but I really could use a little support.

Thanks for reading, folks.

Sincerely,

Ronni

Your shadow is laughing.
<div class="foot">(Edited by Storm on 07/19/04 02:15 AM.)</div>