First I would say believe what your gut, not your head, tells you.

Second, I know I am very, very good at masking my feelings to those around me, my family and friends. For some reason I go into automatic pilot when those close to me are around. I smile, I act like like everything is just fine. It's not intentional or thought out at all. I find, even after years and years of dealing with depression that I am reluctant, almost incapable, of letting those close to me know just how bad I'm feeling. I think it's because I have never felt accepted or understood by those closest to me. They would say things that deeply hurt me, or simply made me aware of how much they did not understand my situation, my feelings, what I was going through.

So instead I've always just pretended that everything is fine. I'm so good at it that it takes a conscious effort on my part to let one or two people really close to me in on the fact that I am going through a period of bad depression. Unless I stop myself and really take the time to be honest with someone around me, my automatic response is to smile and joke and pretend everything is fine. I do not have to think about it at all. On the contrary, I have to stop, and think, and take time, to let someone around me know just how bad I feel. Most often it has been a therapist or someone not as close to me as my husband or very close friend or family member.

I'm still working at learning how to let those people in on just how bad I'm feeling at times. I guess it's a trust issue. I don't trust those around me to either not freak out and hospitalize me, or conversely, tell me to "just snap out of it and quit feeling sorry for myself."

So I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you are like me? You aren't even very aware of how you fool those closest to you. You don't want them to worry, and you don't want them to hurt you by saying stupid things to you. It's easier for you to be honest with a therapist or someone you are not as intimate with. It feels less threatening.

Anyway, I hope you start feeling better soon. You will sooner or later. Don't forget that.