First, I want to say that the idea is unfathomable. I have no memories, and just the idea of it seems inconceivable. I simply cannot believe I have been abused, and maybe it is purely my imagination (which is VERY messed up to have such doubts of sexual abuse), but let me explain.

I'm a 17 years old girl. When I was 5, I was obsessed with "touching" other girls of my age. When we would play outside, I would make them show me their private parts and touch them against their will... This is a memory I had completely forgotten until I started writing this post, and it makes me feel horrible and disgusting.

When I was 6-8 years old, I discovered pornographic tapes in my parents bedroom. I started watching the videos and liked it, although I don't think I understood what it was at that age. When my parents were gone, I would sneak in their bedroom and watch. My big brother (3 yrs older) was aware of it, and didn't understand my 'obsession'. Later, my parents learned about it, chastised me, got rid of the videos, and no one ever mentioned it again.

Now, some reasons why I'm having doubts are:
-I hate physical contacts, especially with males. I hate hugs, but especially anything coming from a boy/man. When my dad touches me, my body tenses up and it's extremely uncomfortable.
-I'm EXTREMELY jumpy - startled very easily (which my brother teases me about, but trust me, it's NOT amusing at all)
-I rarely make eye contact (I have read that it is a sign)
-I have a phobia of the dark (not just a fear, a real phobia)
-Inability to trust people
-I have also been diagnosed with social phobia and an eating disorder
-Reluctance to be in any relationship (never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and I want that to stay that way. Not forever, but for now)
-I have an extremely low self-esteem and a need to constantly be in control
-I have a really high libido, and masturbate more than the average girl (I'm still a virgin), but again, it might just me being a horny teenager. Only, I have rape fantasies. Helpless women being forced and called degrading names turns me on, and it makes me feel ashamed. I would never want to be raped, and yet...

Anyway, I have a few signs of child abuse, although I don't remember anything. My mom or my brother would never have done anything to me, and neither would my dad... I mean, I know my dad has already physically harmed my brother when I was around 2 years old, that he used to be violent (my mother and my uncle told me), but he loves me and would never hurt me... There's no way he would have done anything to me. He loves and adores me. I have already witnessed him "touching" my cousin's part, but just joking around... I know, it's disturbing, but I was around 12, and I'm pretty sure it was innocent. My cousin was 11, and I know it sounds weird, but there was nothing sexual about the act... He kind of squeezed while laughing, and... Oh god, it totally sounds creepy, but I swear my father isn't a bad man.

What I'm saying is, IF I was molested (which I doubt), there's no one in my surrounding I think that could have done it. Maybe I'm just seriously weird... What do you think? I have been having this weird feeling for a while of having been molested, and recognized in myself some signs of child abuse... It's crazy because I have no memories, and I strongly doubt something has happened to me, but I can't help but having this feeling... And what's worse is, if NOTHING happened, why would I have this feeling? Am I just completely f*cked up or something? What's wrong with me?

Thank you