Oh my. I have found a way out of the depression of having a child, my only child, cut me out of her life.

That's not to say that I still don't have times when something smacks me in the gut and reminds me that she is not in my life and most likely never will be. But I am able to get over the depression. I am able to find meaning in my life even though my only child does not want anything to do with me.

It's like any loss. Like a death really. (Sometimes when I am in certain situations, temporary, passing relationships, I even tell people that I "lost" a child. That's what it feels like.) But like those who have lost a child to death, I find that while the pain is never far away or something I can "get over" or find "closer" on, I can go one with my life.

The first year or more was horrible. All I wanted to do was die also. Eventually I did start feeling better. Slowly. Very slowly. But now I find that I get over the bad times and depression that hits. I know holidays and birthdays are going to be hard and I just accept my depression and bad feelings then as natural and okay. I accept whatever I'm feeling and don't tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. I also remind myself that my feelings do pass eventually and I will feel okay again.

Life is not how I want it. But it is enjoyable and enough to keep me alive if I work at it. I hope you hang in there and find some peace and contentment. The pain of losing a child never goes away or become okay. But I have learned to live with it and find good in my life, and enjoy my life inspite of the loss of my only child. It's not easy.